BONG OF THE DEAD WILL FAIL TO GET YOU HIGH

BONG OF THE DEAD-Canada-91 Mins. 2011

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Mark Wynn as Edwin, Simone Bailly as Leah, Jy Harris as Tommy in Bong of the Dead

Mark Wynn as Edwin, Simone Bailly as Leah, Jy Harris as Tommy in Bong of the Dead

Directed and Written by Thomas Newman

Have I ever mentioned that I used to smoke pot? It’s been over twenty years since I last inhaled and even then I never considered myself a pothead or a ‘stoner’. I smoked it when I felt like it, end of story.

Edwin and Tommy, the two potheads that are the main subject of Thomas Newman’s Reefer Madness meets the zombie genre mash-up, Bong of the Dead, are far past the ‘social toker’ stage of marijuana usage. Months after a string of meteors strike earth and the zombies have risen and targeted humans as their next meal at the Golden Corral, Edwin uses the green ‘goo’ from the brain of a captured zombie as a fertilizer to grow a batch of killer weed for himself and Tommy. There’s only one problem: that’s all the goo they have and the area they live in has been declared zombie-free (okay, two problems).

So what do they do? They take a road trip to a zombie-infested zone to acquire more green goo is what they do. Along the way they encounter Alex, the intelligent yet beleaguered zombie and would-be leader of his own undead army; and Leah, the ‘smoking hot’ (Tommy’s words, although I agree) young woman who warms up to the duo after initial hesitation. Do the two who are now three make it to the Danger Zone and celebrate 420; or have they smoked their last doobie, brother?

Bong of the Dead is not a good movie. It’s not a ‘so bad that it’s good’ movie. It’s a bad movie, period. However, the film does have a certain charm. Newman has done his zombie homework as he pays homage to the genre through various scenes that serve to remind us of better films such as Day of the Dead and Dead Alive. Also, I must admit to liking the look, and perhaps the acting, of Simone Bailly as Leah. She’s certainly better than the two goofs in the lead, Mark Wynn and Jy Harris. My question is was she ever even considered for the role of Wonder Woman in the upcoming Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice? She’s got the look, in my humble opinion. Despite all this the only way I think anyone could even begin to enjoy Bong of the Dead is if they were stoned out of their gourd, and maybe not even then.

TRIVIA

Over 800 Gallons of blood was dispersed with a fire hose in one day during a single scene.

Thomas Newman learned how to composite while editing the film by using great tutorials from Andrew Kramer at Video Co-Pilot. Before ‘Bong of the Dead’ he had no idea how to use After Effects.

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Mark Wynn also appears in Rapture-Palooza and The Boy Who Cried Werewolf.

Simone Bailly also appears in Good Luck Chuck and Life Partners.

Jy Harris also appears in Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2.

 

 

 

DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES DOESN’T MONKEY AROUND

DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES-United States-130 Mins. 2014

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Andy Serkis as Caesar in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Andy Serkis as Caesar in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Jason Clarke as Malcolm in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Jason Clarke as Malcolm in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Gary Oldman as Dreyfus in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Gary Oldman as Dreyfus in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Keri Russell as Ellie in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Keri Russell as Ellie in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Toby Kebbell as Koba in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Toby Kebbell as Koba in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Kodi Smit-McPhee as Alexander in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Kodi Smit-McPhee as Alexander in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Directed by Matt Reeves

Written by Mark Bomback, Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver

Based on the novel “La Planète des Singes” by Pierre Boulle and by characters created by Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver.

When I was growing up I saw the original quintet of films in the Planet of the Apes series and was able to watch and enjoy them to a certain extent of the definition of the word. Like everyone else I was blown away by the original film and I also was a big fan of the third film, Escape from the Planet of the Apes. Beneath the Planet of the Apes and Conquest of the Planet of the Apes were strong entries but by the time the final film in the series-Battle for the Planet of the Apes-came along it felt as if the filmmakers weren’t trying anymore. There was a remake of the original film directed by Tim Burton that merely left us yearning for the older films and after that we all thought that we had seen the last-or so it seemed-of the apes. Rise of the Planet of the Apes demonstrated to us that there is new life in an old franchise. That life is extended fully supported with Dawn of the Planet of the Apes-a film that takes all of the charm and action of Rise of the Planet of the Apes and amps it up to 12. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is that rare example (The Godfather Part II and Aliens must be mentioned) of a sequel not only holding its own but surpassing the original film in terms of storytelling, acting and of course box office profits. As of my writing this the film has beaten its chest on the way to a $73 million dollar opening weekend and believe me it has earned every penny.

Ten years have passed since the events of ‘Rise‘. The Simian flu hinted at in that film has had time to spread around the globe and the human race has been all but wiped out. Those who have survived live crowded in a state of dystopia. The apes, led by Caesar-now with a wife, son and newborn of his own-live peacefully in their own community in the redwoods away from the humans and they rely on them for nothing and stay far from them. Once an initial contact is made between two of the apes and a human male that separation is broken and an uneasy truce is formed between the two communities. I don’t believe that it was any accident as to the way things play out in ‘Dawn‘ as it the same as the way that countries conduct business-deals are made by one group, the humans, with conditions from the apes. The humans break those conditions and are asked to leave but then are able to make things better by offering their own conditions. Meanwhile, both camps have their people-or human-like simians-that are mistrustful of the other and cause a rift in the truce that is established. For the humans it is both Carver, who voices his disdain for the apes and is banished from their camp after smuggling in forbidden weapons; and Dreyfus, who can’t be faulted as he believes that what he is doing is best for the survival of the human race. On the other hand there is Koba, the scarred bonobo and right hand to Caesar. Koba hates humans for the torture that was inflicted upon him in the name of lab experiments. One of the strongest scenes in the film is when Caesar mentions that the humans are there to do ‘human work’ and Koba angrily spits his words back at him while pointing to the various scars from the horrors done to his own body. Unlike the human Carver, whose hatred is based on his own stupidity, Koba’s hatred drives him to betrayal and murder of his own kind to initiate war between apes and humans. If Caesar is willing to get along with humans then Koba is even more determined to imprison them or wipe them even if he has to betray his own species.

There was not one moment in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes that I found to be repetitive or even worse, boring. The action in the film is intense but never to the point of being shoved down your throat the way that certain summer blockbusters *cough cough Transformers cough cough* are known to do. My wife and I took our eleven year-old grandson and he remained quiet throughout most of the film. That in itself is the sign of a good film as it takes a lot to keep him quiet while watching anything. My wife also enjoyed the use of ASL-American Sign Language; which I myself have deemed as Ape Sign Language for this film.

If I can be serious for a moment let me say that a film like Dawn of the Planet of the Apes relies strongly on the strength of its effects, in this case which would be motion capture and CGI. The only flaw that I spotted in the effects was for a brief second during the bear attack scene early in the film. Let it also be said that motion capture relies on the strength of the performers and as with ‘Rise‘, King Kong and his role as Gollum in the Lord of the Rings films that strength is never more evident than with Andy Serkis as Caesar. Serkis has said that in the first film he based his movements and expressions on those of apes and that his performance here is based more on human movement and gestures. The motion capture acting was excellent from all actors involved, especially Toby Kebbell as Koba. However, it is Serkis who raises Dawn of the Planet of the Apes from a good film to a great one. It’s a shame that the monkeys in Hollywood can’t seem to acknowledge his talent. Great acting is great acting whether it is as a human or as an ape.

TRIVIA

The husband of Judy Greer (Cornelia) is reportedly a massive fan of Planet of the Apes(1968). Greer revealed in a interview with Vulture that that they had a chimp husband-and-wife cake topper at their wedding, while the original film and Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) played on two separate televisions in the bar area at the cocktail hour.

The first “Planet of the Apes” to be filmed and released in 3D.

Andy Serkis, Terry Notary, and Karin Konoval are the only actors that were still playing their characters from “Rise” as Caesar (Serkis), Rocket (Notary), and Maurice (Konoval). While Judy Greer was replacing stunt-woman/ dancer Devyn Dalton as Caesar’s mate, Cornelia, and Toby Kebbell is replacing stuntman/ motion capture performer Christopher Gordon as the scarred lab chimp Koba.

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Andy Serkis also appears in Rise of the Planet of the Apes and The Prestige.

Jason Clarke also appears in Zero Dark Thirty and Public Enemies.

Gary Oldman also appears in The Dark Knight and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

Keri Russell also appears in Dark Skies and Grimm Love.

Toby Kebbell also appears in Wrath of the Titans and War Horse.

Kodi Smit-McPhee also appears in Let Me In and The Road.

 

 

 

 

 

THE SEMI-DAILY HORROR MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY-JULY 13, 2014

Actually, today’s quote is from a TV series. From The Walking Dead and featuring Melissa McBride as Carol Peletier and Brighton Sharbino as Lizzie Samuels:

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Just look at the flowers, Lizzie.

 

10 QUESTIONS FOR ERIC S. BROWN

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Eric S. Brown

Eric S. Brown is the author of the popular Bigfoot War series of books available in print and e-book from Amazon. The first book has been made into an upcoming movie, Bigfoot Wars, starring Judd Nelson and C. Thomas Howell. I shot Eric ten (somewhat) random questions and this what he shot back to me:

1. You’re all over the place with books about zombies, werewolves, Kaiju and of course Sasquatch. Am I missing any monsters that you’ve written about?

Eric S. Brown: Killer Squirrels, a seven foot tall green bunny anti-hero, demons, and who knows what else. Ha.

2. What planted the seed in your mind to write the Bigfoot War series?

ESBI had been writing zombies for a long time and wanted to do something different but still apocalyptic.  Growing up in the rural mountains of North Carolina, I was honestly scared of Bigfoot as a kid.  I had nightmares about Bigfoot outside my house waiting to rip me apart.  Sasquatch was the perfect monster to explore next and believe it or not, folks seemed to enjoy the concept of the Sasquatch Apocalypse. 

3. Do you have a set plan as to how many books will be in the series?

ESBBigfoot War: Redneck Apocalypse launches soon from Great Old Ones Publishing.  It is set in the timeframe of the first book and returns to that kind of feel.  It’s also homage to southern culture in a lot of ways.  If you enjoy blood, gore, fun, and things like the Dukes of Hazzard, you’ll likely enjoy it too. 

4. The Bigfoot Wars book series have taken off in popularity and I hear there’s an upcoming movie. How does that make you feel?

ESBInsanely blessed.  Bigfoot War was a huge gamble for me.  It was a book I wrote more for myself as a Bigfoot horror fan than anything else.  I think it put me more on the map so to speak as a horror writer than even my book from Simon and Schuster did at the time.  The trailer for the movie looks awesome and the studio has expressed interest in adapting more of the books should the first movie be a success.  

5. I asked Lyle Blackburn this same question concerning his book The Beast of Boggy Creek: The True Story of the Fouke Monster: why Sasquatch?

ESBAgain, Sasquatch was always scary to me.  My own personal fear of him made him a monster I wanted to explore in fiction and put that fear down on the written page.

6. Can you tell a little bit about what makes up your writing process from idea to published story?

ESBI am weird.  I don’t normally use outlines or anything like that.  I just get an idea and run with it like the Flash.  I am a big believer in letting the story tell itself. 

7. One thing I have noticed about you is your expression of your Christian faith. How has this played a part in your writing?

ESBMy whole career is God given.  Every break I have gotten as a writer and most of the “big” moments of my career have not been things I went after but things God just blindsided me with and left me saying “Wow” and “Thank you”.  I have even written a Christian Zombie Apocalypse novel entitled World War of the Dead and you’ll notice pretty much everything I have written since 2009 has very toned down language.  I don’t believe that it’s needed to tell a fun and moving story. 

8. Have you met with any negativity concerning your faith or have you met with support from the people of the horror genre, both fans and peers alike?

ESBI don’t worry about what others think.  I am just me.  I will say though I am far from the only Christian horror writer or fan.  There are more of us out there than you might think. 

9. Did you have a dream cast in your head for the Bigfoot Wars movie; or are you satisfied with the actors that were chosen for the roles?

ESBNot really.  I am very happy with how the Bigfoot Wars movie appears to have turned out so far based on what I have seen of it.  I do have a dream cast for A Pack of Wolves though but that’s another matter entirely. 

10. Finally, what advice do you have for up and coming writers trying to make it in the business?

ESB: Write every day, submit your work, and never give up.

THE PIT OF ULTIMATE DARK SHADOWS-EPISODE 11: PARTS 1 & 2

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Take care…and stay scared.

 

ALMOST HUMAN IS LIKE A SMALL TOWN WITH NOTHING IN BETWEEN

ALMOST HUMAN-United States-80 Mins. 2013

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Graham Skipper as Seth Hampton in Almost Human

Graham Skipper as Seth Hampton in Almost Human

Vanessa Leigh as Jen Craven in Almost Human

Vanessa Leigh as Jen Craven in Almost Human

Josh Ethier as Mark Fisher in Almost Human

Josh Ethier as Mark Fisher in Almost Human

Directed and Written by Joe Begos

In South Carolina there is a town called Kelly. The expression about a town being so small that you could throw a rock from end to end literally applies to this town. You see the sign that says “Kelly” on your right and barely 30 seconds later you see another sign and as you look in your rear-view mirror you will never guess what it says-yep-“Kelly”.  Last I remember there are no houses or buildings between the two signs-just road and trees.

Almost Human could easily be considered the Kelly, South Carolina of horror films. It has opening credits and eight agonizingly slow minutes of end credits and an hour of nothing in between. Set between 1987 and 1989 it is supposedly the story of three friends-Rob, Mark and Seth-and how their lives are changed after Rob and Mark are snatched into the sky by a blue light from above. Rob is only mentioned as he was taken before the film begins. Mark is taken next and Seth is left to face accusations that he was responsible in some way for the disappearances of his friends. Mark is found naked in the woods by two hunters and covered in a substance that the only thing I can compare it to is one half of baby-making formula. Killing the two men after emitting an ungodly scream he steals their clothes and rifle before heading into town and murdering anyone who gets in his way. Mark doesn’t discriminate in his killing methods as he shoots, stabs, and slices and breaks necks. Afterward he ejects what resembles a tree branch from his mouth to theirs (although one scene shows mouth-t0-vagina) and they are cocooned before returning later as zombified versions of their former selves. The rest of Almost Human consists of Seth being a douche-bag emo as he spouts ‘Something is wrong, I can feel it’ to anyone who will listen including Jen, Mark’s former girlfriend. This, give or take a scene or two, is the plot of Almost Human.

My first thought after the movie was over was ‘did I miss something?’ What is the point of this movie? If writer-director Joe Begos was attempting to make a film about the aftermath of an alien abduction I have some bad news for him: Fire in the Sky already did that and better. Almost Human only serves to confuse, especially with its handling of Mark. We know he was taken by extraterrestrials. What confused me is where did Mark end and the alien entity that was obviously possessing him begin? When Mark returns to his former home to confront the new owners is it anger or E.T. that drives him? The same goes for when he meets Jen’s new fiancé. A little bit of plot and character development would have gone a long way in giving Almost Human any credibility.

I had heard a lot of comments from other reviewers concerning the quality of the acting in Almost Human. After seeing for myself I can safely say that the quality is somewhere between local car dealership commercials and pornographic films. In fact, if the acting in Almost Human is considered good in any way then there are adult film stars who deserve Oscar nominations.

There is an extra scene after the credits. I wouldn’t have known this if not for the trivia I read about the film. It doesn’t matter; in order for a film to make you sit through eight minutes of credits for an additional 20 second scene it has to keep you interested for the previous hour. Unless viewers are completely masochistic I don’t see anyone hanging around for that long.

TRIVIA

The credits are 8 minutes long. The director stated the reason for this is to get the film to feature length for certain festival circuits.

Takes place in Derry, Maine, the fictional town used in a number of Stephen King novels.

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Graham Skipper also appears in Late Bloomers.

Vanessa Leigh also appears in Self Storage and The Last Halloween.

Josh Ethier also appears in Chillerama and Contracted.

 

WOLF CREEK 2 PROVES THIS IS MICK’S WORLD (WE’RE LUCKY IF HE LETS US LIVE IN IT)

WOLF CREEK 2-Australia-106 Mins. 2013

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John Jarratt as Mick Taylor in Wolf Creek 2

John Jarratt as Mick Taylor in Wolf Creek 2

Ryan Corr as Paul Hammersmith in Wolf Creek 2

Ryan Corr as Paul Hammersmith in Wolf Creek 2

Philippe Klaus as Rutger Enqvist in Wolf Creek 2

Philippe Klaus as Rutger Enqvist in Wolf Creek 2

Shannon Ashlyn as Katarina Schmidt in Wolf Creek 2

Shannon Ashlyn as Katarina Schmidt in Wolf Creek 2

Directed by Greg Mclean

Written by Greg Mclean and Aaron Sterns

What’s different for Wolf Creek 2 over its predecessor Wolf Creek? To begin with there is more gore including two decapitations-one by high powered rifle and one by hunting knife. There are scenes that evoke nervous giggles, which is something the original didn’t have. The main difference for Wolf Creek 2 is that it’s all about the Mick-Mick Taylor. Although not in every scene his presence is felt in every frame and John Jarratt brings him to life with the same maniacal glee as the first film and serves to make Mick a multi-dimensional character as we discover that he’s a proud Australian who tortures and murders backpacking foreigners because he’s sick of them coming to his country partying and pissing and acting like they own the fucking place and then going back to where they came from.

There’s no discernible plot to Wolf Creek 2 and nor does there need to be. It’s a day in the life of Mick as he travels the outback terrorizing first a pair of troopers who pick the wrong guy to harass. From there Mick explains the rules of camping in the outback to German backpackers Rutger and Katarina and that ends bloody, to say the least. The second half of the film is about the conflict between Mick and the hapless Englishman, Paul Hammersmith-a conflict that includes a nod to Duel with a harrowing diesel-car chase segment and ends with Mick playing game show host to a captive Paul in perhaps the bloodiest homage to Who Wants to Be a Millionaire ever filmed. To be honest I had no idea that show was even popular in Australia.

Despite the gore and the presence of the scenery chewing Jarratt, Wolf Creek 2 never achieves the level of menace as the previous film. While it would seem that having Mick dominate the second film would be a good idea instead it is a double-edged sword. A little Mick went a long way in Wolf Creek-remember the chilling ‘head on a stick’ scene?In Wolf Creek 2 we become so accustomed to his presence that he begins to feel like the cranky old grandpa with the nasty hobby. “Mommy, where does grandpa get all those backpacks?” “Shut up and eat your vegemite sandwich, dear.”

Wolf Creek 2 is not a failure in that it pays (perhaps unintentional) homage to films such as Duel (the previously mentioned chase scene), The Hitcher and perhaps even the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  The tone is lighter and it’s a hammier film than Wolf Creek; still, it succeeds in showing us that it’s Mick’s world and we’re lucky if he lets us live in it.

NO TRIVIA

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John Jarratt also appears in Django Unchained and 100 Bloody Acres.

Ryan Corr also appears in Where the Wild Things Are and Not Suitable for Children.

 

 

 

WILLOW CREEK

WILLOW CREEK-United States-80 Mins. 2013

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Bryce Johnson as Jim and Alexie Gilmore as Kelly in Willow Creek

Bryce Johnson as Jim and Alexie Gilmore as Kelly in Willow Creek

Directed and Written by Bobcat Goldthwait

Bobcat Goldthwait may one day become the punchline of a Geico commercial:

Man: “Huh. 15 Minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.”

Woman: “Uh-huh. Everybody knows that.”

Man: “Well, did you know that Bobcat Goldthwait wrote and directed the best’ found footage’ movie of all time?”

There’s only one problem with that: it’s not a joke. Bobcat Goldthwait has officially written and directed the best found footage film of all time, or at least I think so. Goldthwait explores Bigfoot territory in Willow Creek-a film that is as tongue-in-cheek as it is absolutely terrifying. Willow Creek takes a slow ride to scaring the shit out of us and when it finally gets us to our destination Goldthwait pulls no punches in making our hearts crawl into our throats and out of our mouths to say ‘it’s been fun but fuck you very much.’ Do you want to know how much I enjoyed Willow Creek? I just watched it ten minutes ago as of my writing this post and already I’m psyched to watch it again. The old cliché about a film being a roller coaster ride of excitement has become new again with Willow Creek; only this ride has two settings: the slow ascent and the hellish ride down.

Jim and Kelly are re-tracing the steps made by Roger Patterson and Bob Gimlin when they filmed their historic footage of a Bigfoot as it strolled across their view and into infamy on October 20, 1967. Willow Creek divides Jim and Kelly in half-Jim has believed since he was eight years old; Kelly, not so much. There are the usual arguments: how come no one has ever found a body? How has a creature that big managed to avoid detection for all those years? As the couple move deeper into Bigfoot territory their search for Sasquatch takes a turn as they meet the ‘Bob Dylan of Bigfoot, Tommy Yamarone, who serenades the couple with ‘Roger and Bob (Rode Out That Day); and Tommy Red and his poignant ’952 Frames of Truth’, a reference to the amount of film shot by Patterson and Gimlin on that day in ‘67. Deeper into Bigfoot territory and Jim and Kelly encounter a man who pointedly tells them to turn their car around and go back the way they came. Undaunted, our couple presses on by taking an alternate route into the terrain and setting up their campsite only to have it torn down by an unseen individual.

Nighttime is the wrong time for Jim and Kelly. For ten minutes Goldthwait, using the grainiest film he can find, puts us through sheer terror as the couple hear the sounds of wood being knocked together, an ungodly howl, the sound of a woman crying and as the sounds grow closer a sort of threatening, menacing scratch from deep in the throat and finally the rustling of the tent as whoever-whatever-presses against it and toys with their-and our-sanity. The scene outdoes every frame of The Blair Witch Project and never looks back as it drives a spike of terror into our chests and out the other side. However, the scariest part of the scene is not the noises and commotion outside the tent but the rationalization on the inside as Jim explains each sound or movement to a frightened Kelly. Afterward, the couple makes a decision that will impact them for the rest of the film.

Bobcat Goldthwait is known as that ‘comedian with the high-pitched voice that was in those Police Academy movies.’ He is also a director known for Shakes the Clown and satirical comedies such as World’s Greatest Dad and God Bless America. Willow Creek is a departure for Goldthwait to a certain degree. You can’t help but laugh when Jim and Kelly eat a Bigfoot burger or visit the Bigfoot bookstore and bed down at the Bigfoot Motel. Goldthwait lures us in with the subtle laughs before wrenching the terror to 10 in the final act; which despite being reminiscent of the finale of literally every ‘found footage’ film ever made Goldthwait still manages to make scary as hell. The only complaint I have about the film is a minor one: Goldthwait, although smart in casting relative unknowns Alexie Gilmore and Bryce Johnson as Jim and Kelly, casts Peter Jason as a park ranger who recounts a story to Jim about a possible encounter with Bigfoot that left his dog bifurcated. Genre fans will recognize Jason from John Carpenter’s They Live and may be taken out of the world of Willow Creek for the brief time that he’s onscreen-but then again maybe I’m making something out of nothing. I do know that I wasn’t kidding about Willow Creek being the best ‘found footage’ film ever made. I’m even thinking about making a trophy and mailing it to the Bobcat. How does a gold representation of a dilapidated shack with a stash of film canisters underneath with the words “Best ‘Found Footage’ Movie. Ever” engraved on it grab ya?

TRIVIA

The disclaimer ‘No Animals (or Bigfoot) were harmed during the production of this movie’ appears in the final credits.

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Alexie Gilmore also appears in Surfer Dude and Definitely, Maybe.

Bryce Johnson also appears in Sleeping Dogs Lie and Supernatural: Bloodlines (TV).

 

ASIAN SCHOOL GIRLS

ASIAN SCHOOL GIRLS-United States-91 Mins. 2014

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Sam Aotaki as Hannah in Asian School Girls

Sam Aotaki as Hannah in Asian School Girls (Image not from film)

Minnie Scarlet as Vivian in Asian School Girls

Minnie Scarlet as Vivian in Asian School Girls (Image not from film)

Catherine Kim as May in Asian School Girls

Catherine Kim as May in Asian School Girls (Image not from film)

Belle Hengsathorn as Suzy in Asian School Girls

Belle Hengsathorn as Suzy in Asian School Girls (Image not from film)

Directed by Lawrence Silverstein

Written by Tim Culley

Forgive me for this but I’m going to use the mightiest of internet resources, Wikipedia, to give you the synopsis of Asian School Girls. Why, you ask; because it says the exact same things that I would have said in the first place.

From Wikipedia:

Four Asian school girls are drugged and raped by a Los Angeles crime syndicate. When one of them commits suicide, the other three plot their scheme against the syndicate to avenge her death. They take jobs as strippers in order to acquire $5,000 worth of weapons and get closer to their targets.

I feel a bit guilty for cheating like that but hey, I’ll get over it. Now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way let me go on the record and say that Asian School Girls is not a horror movie in any way, shape or form. Yes, it is found in the horror section on Netflix; however, if Asian School Girls is a horror film then Twilight was directed by Takashi Miike. No, the best way to describe Asian School Girls is as an action-revenge hybrid wrapped around a (somewhat) misogynistic (but not as bad as I Spit on Your Grave 2 or Broken) soft-core porn film aimed at guys who like to jerk off to cute, young Asian Girls, myself not included. The acting is mindful of the set-up to any number of sex scenes in any number of pornographic films, not that I’ve ever seen any. At least 60% of the sets used in Asian School Girls are reminiscent of the sets used in porn. It’s as if the filmmakers behind Asian School Girls made a deal with the sleazebags who make the real porn movies, again not that I have ever seen any. “Excuse me kind sirs, but after your people are finished getting bodily fluids all over everything in this room do you mind if we use it to make our movie? No? Great! Thank you!” The only nice thing I can say about Asian School Girls is that it does seem to be fairly accurate about the things that go on in your average strip club, not that I’ve ever set foot in one of those establishments. Oh, and the poster for the movie is pretty cool, even if it is a bit misleading since one of the schoolgirls commits suicide and never once touches a weapon. Finally, may I remind all of you that no perverts were harmed during the production, or viewing, of this film. Thank you.

TRIVIA

When the girls are taken to the room and raped the number on the door is 237-a reference to The Shining, perhaps?

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Sam Aotaki also appears in Alpha House and Boondocks.

Minnie Scarlet makes her debut in Asian School Girls.

Catherine Kim also appears in Double Line.

Belle Hengsathorn also appears in Mac Daddy & the Lovers.

 

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