SPLINTER

SPLINTERUnited States-82 Mins. 2008

Shea Whigham as Dennis Farell

Paulo Costanzo as Seth Belzer

Jill Wagner as Polly Watt

Rachel Kerbs as Lacey Belisle

Directed by Toby Wilkins

Written by Ian Shorr and Kai Berry and Toby Wilkins (uncredited)

Toby Wilkins must surely be a John Carpenter fan. I see elements of Carpenter’s Assault on Precinct 13 all over his movie, Splinter. It is the tale of a fugitive and his girlfriend and the couple they take hostage. But wait, you have to throw in the fact that they are holed up in a gas station in the middle of nowhere. Oh yeah, they have a parasitic creature with splinter-like spikes growing out of its body waiting outside to tear them apart. Of course as is the case with any parasitic creature whatever it attaches to becomes a part of it. So now the fugitives and the lovely couple must work together if they’re going to survive the night.

Splinter is one of those films I kept passing by when I would see it in the video store. From the blurb on the back of the DVD shell it sounded like a good movie and a decent addition to the horror genre. But day after day, I passed it by. But now not only do I own it, I have also watched it and can give my opinion on it. My honest take on the film is that although it’s not really a good movie it didn’t suck, either. Wilkins has surely done his homework as director and I see a better movie in his future, but Splinter is not that movie. I said earlier that Wilkins must be a fan of Carpenter and his films and I believe that’s a good thing. But the trouble with Splinter is that Wilkins focuses too much on homage to Assault on Precinct 13 and doesn’t throw enough of his own vision into the film. Perhaps if he had done this he would have had a great movie. Instead, he must settle for one that doesn’t suck.

Trivia

At the end of the movie Farrell gives Seth the key to a lock box in a bank in Platt and tells him to go there to get his nest egg to give to the trucker’s wife. The address listed on the tag is 1060 W. Addison. This is the address for Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs in Chicago, IL.

(No) Hawks and (1) Dove(s)

It appears that I have adopted a dove. At first I thought it was a pigeon, but after careful study I am now fully convinced that it is, indeed, a dove. It is a beautiful animal and aside from the occasional peck it is quite docile. I am not sure if it is injured as it doesn’t appear to be in any pain. I taught it to drink water from a straw. I dip the straw in water and put my finger over the top of the straw, sealing the water in. I hold the straw to its beak and it sticks it into the end of the straw and drinks. I have given it bird seed to eat. I also have found out that doves like broccoli, cut-up apple pieces and bread crumbs.

So, in between working, being sexy, writing this blog and other various activities I am going to be a father to this avian creature I have become attached to. Wish me luck. I took a couple of pictures to show you. I found out that it’s more than likely a rock dove. Which means I can get a little pair of headphones and crank up the Springsteen for it. Just kidding. It’s more of a Hendrix fan.

I’m thinking about Little Wing for a name.

My sidekick and I within our Inner Sanctum.

Growing Old-A Poem

GROWING OLD-A POEM

Before you read the poem, which is in the big, bold letters, I want to say that I haven’t written poetry in a long time. I’m not going for a large word count, I’m not trying to be profound. I am doing what I always do. I am writing about what I feel in the way that I feel like writing about it. I just watched Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino and to be honest I’m in a curmudgeonly mood. So, I hope you like my poem. If you don’t, well there’s just not a lot I can do about that, now is there?

Growing old is a bitch 

I turn 50 next year

I gripe, piss, moan

and drink lots of beer.

Growing old is a pain

in my joints and my ass

I fart around all the time

’cause I got fuckin’ gas.

Growing old is a whore

who wants all your dough

She took my real teeth 

a long time ago.

Growing old is a ghost

Who hides from the blind

When I get my new glasses

Its ass is mine.

Growing old is a part 

of our everyday life 

For father and son

Husband and wife.

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN-Canada/United States-86 Mins. 2011

Rutger Hauer as Hobo

Directed by Jason Eisener

Written by John Davis

Story by John Davis, Jason Eisener and Rob Cotterill

Is there a message behind Hobo with a Shotgun? Is Jason Eisener trying to tell us that we should be kind to the homeless? Or did he just set out to make a cool film from a cool premise about a hobo who’s decided he’s just not going to fucking take it anymore? To be honest with you I think it’s more the latter than it is the former. HWAS is a kick-ass-take no prisoners-spare no change-balls out-pecker in hand spectacle of a motion picture. Rutger Hauer chews the scenery like a lawnmower on crystal meth. He is a powerhouse of an actor in a role about a man who just doesn’t give a rat’s ass anymore. He’s tired of the pushers, pimps and pedophiles and he’s damn well going to do something about it.

Every hero has a sidekick to help him fight his battles and an enemy to make his life a living hell. For the former, Hobo’s got Abby, the hooker with the heart of gold who takes him in and treats him like a human being. For the latter, there is Drake and his sons, Slick and Ivan. Supported by a corrupt police force they’ve been a plague on the bums of the town for way too long. That’s all going to change.

Like Rob Zombie and House of a 1000 Corpses before him, Jason Eisener throws everything but the kitchen sink into Hobo with a Shotgun. It’s his first chance to make a good impression and he runs with it. The film is exciting, bloody as hell and above all a fun ride for everyone.

Trivia

Based on a fake trailer made for Grindhouse (2007) by Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez.

Slick and Ivan drive a Bricklin; a Canadian made car from the mid 70s.

DON’T LOOK NOW

DON’T LOOK NOW-British/Italian-110 Mins. 1973

Donald Sutherland as John Baxter

Julie Christie as Laura Baxter

Directed by Nicolas Roeg

Screenplay by Allan Scott and Chris Bryant

Based on the story by Daphne Du Maurier

If you so much as blink while watching “Don’t Look Now” you will have missed major plot points which occurred in that millisecond. I should know. I turned my head away for a second and something happened on screen and I was lost. Luckily, the film is of the type that it leads up to something. In this case that something is the fate of one of the main characters. Everything from point A to Point B is meant to lead us to that moment.

After experiencing the heartbreak of losing a child in an accidental drowning, Laura and John Baxter travel to Venice where John is hired to restore a local church. Laura meets two women, one of whom is blind and claims to have second sight. She says that Christine, their deceased child, is with them and that she is happy. I don’t want to say anything more because I feel that it will give away the ending. The film works as an occult horror film, but it’s really a film about the grief suffered after losing a child and the effect it can have on a couple.

I must admit I had heard all sorts of good things about the film and was looking forward to seeing it. Having seen it I can honestly say that it is a very good film. My only complaint is that it moves a bit too slow and tends to be tedious at times. Besides that, though, it has a strong cast in Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie and excellent directing from Nicolas Roeg. The film is not only made to keep you guessing the entire time, but to make you think. You don’t see that very often in a horror film.

Trivia

The famous sex scene between Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie was a last minute on-set idea from director Nicolas Roeg who felt that otherwise the film would have too many scenes of the couple arguing. Most of the scenes around it are improvised.

Renato Scarpa who plays inspector Longhi didn’t speak any English. He just read the lines he’d been given without knowing what they meant, which added to the sinister quality of his character.

Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie met for the first time on the set of this film. The first scene they had to shoot was the sex scene, as Roeg wanted to “get it out of the way” and then move on to the “bone” of the matter. Christie was terrified.

½

One of Those Days

One of Those Days

Do you ever have one of those days where you just don’t know what you want to say about anything? I have. I’m having one now. I start to write a sentence only to delete it a few seconds later. Maybe I want it to be just right or maybe I want to seem to have a little idea of what the hell I’m talking about.

So far today I have begun to write about how I feel that the WWE has killed the art of true professional wrestling. I just couldn’t find the words to say that guys like John Cena, Randy Orton and women like Kelly Kelly and the Bella Twins are nothing more than beefcake and eye candy. Today’s average wrestling fan wouldn’t know a figure-four leg-lock from a figure eight. The ‘wrestlers’ today are cartoon characters come to life in order to sell merchandise. Andre the Giant didn’t need an action figure. Wahoo McDaniel didn’t need a catch phrase. I can see you, John Cena, I just don’t want to. I smell what the Rock is cooking’ and it smells like shit.

If only this were true.

I was also going to write about how I feel that pornography takes the passion out of a relationship. I’m not going to lie, I have looked at pornography. Who hasn’t at one time or another? I know that there are people who say that watching porn helps them with their love life. I tend to disagree. How can you be passionate with your wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend when you’ve got Jenna Jameson being screwed a million ways to Sunday running through your mind? That’s not passion for your spouse; that’s lust for something you’re never going to have.

Never gonna have her, guys.

Oh and I was also going to write about how a lot of kids today are rude little bastards. I can not tell you how many times I have been in Wal-mart late at night and nearly had my foot amputated by some impolite stock boy with a pallet jack. Do they say ‘excuse me’? Hell, no. I feel like getting some fake toes that squirt blood and whenever one of them flies by me tossing the toes out and screaming bloody murder with my bloody toes lying on the floor. It’s not just the stock boys, its kids in general. But do you blame the kids? I don’t. I blame the parents. If you are a parent and you have taught your kids manners, then my hat is off to you. That means I’m not talking about your kid. However, if you are the parent of that little mutation that nearly severed my foot without a word of ‘excuses me’ then I think you need to grab the little bugger by the hair and teach him some manners. Who knows, you might learn some yourself.

“It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.”-Abraham Lincoln. Wow, I was thinking the same thing about Kim Kardashian. She decides to put her two cents in about the Casey Anthony trial. She tweeted “What crazy testimony today! Casey’s mom says one thing & her son says the opposite! Someone is lying here!” Hey Kim, they’re remaking Plan Nine from Outer Space and they need someone to say “But one thing’s sure. Inspector Clay is dead, murdered, and somebody’s responsible.” Think you’re up for it?

Kim!! Shh!! Don’t speak, Ever, Again.

Yep, I just can’t think of anything to say.

The Fears and Frustrations of a Horror Movie Blogger (or any blogger).

I have a fear. I wonder if other bloggers have this fear. I hope so; I don’t want to be the only one. It’s the fear of writing a blog and nobody paying any attention to it. On average I rank anywhere from 50-200 visitors a day to my blog. Is that good? Does it suck? I don’t know. I just want people to enjoy what I write and if they don’t enjoy what I write I want them to at least respect me as a writer. I don’t proclaim to be an expert on horror films. I am merely a fan. I watch movies and I give my opinion on them from the point of view of your average movie-goer. I might love a film the general public despises and vice-versa. I just want my voice to be heard in a sea of voices all screaming in the same cacophony. One of my ongoing fears is that the shoe will drop and I’ll read that one comment that says “You wouldn’t know anything about horror if it bit you on your ass.” What will happen to me if it does? I hope I am mature enough that I will think that it is one opinion among many. Get over it, move on and keep doing what I do. Am I making a damn bit of sense? I certainly hope so.

I want to be able to post every day. I don’t know how possible that is. For one thing I don’t know if I want to watch and review a movie every night of the week. There are times that I want to be lazy. I want to spend time with my wife or play video games or surf the internet. There are even times that I want to be able to watch a movie and not have to give my opinion on it. At times, I just want to be a guy watching a movie and nothing more than that.

I keep thinking of things that I can do to be able to post something each and every day of the week. I actually thought about trying my hand at video. Do you think folks are ready for a Southern born horror film fan? I guess we’ll have to wait and see. I do know that I plan to cut my reviews down to once a week. So I am open to any suggestions as to what to do the other six days.

I certainly hope I haven’t come off like a whiny bitch. I just want to be heard. I want people to know that what I do is important to me. I hope you enjoy it. Thank you.