Daily Archives: 03/05/2012
TARZAN THE APE MAN aka The Worst Movie Ever Made-United States-1981
Directed by John Derek Screenplay by Tom Rowe Really loosely based on characters created by Edgar Rice Burroughs
Do not even remotely expect this to be a serious review. First of all there is no way anybody in their right mind could review this film with any degree of serious. Secondly, I watched this film many years ago and remember it well enough to know that it sucked worse than Jenna Jameson with braces. If I were to watch this movie again I would have to pour bleach in my eyes and Formula 409 in my ears. How bad is this movie, you ask? I’ve come up with a few ‘facts’ to illustrate exactlly that.
1. Do you remember the scene in Fight Club where Tyler Durden and his henchmen are de-magnetizing the tapes in the video store? Now here’s the rest of the story. Tyler and the gang had just watched Tarzan the Apeman. They wanted to make sure that no one would ever have to suffer the way that they suffered ever again.
2. All the animals that were in the film have dis-associated themselves from the film. At the San Diego Zoo a man was horribly mauled when he insisted that one of the lions was in the movie. He just wouldn’t let it go.
3. The movie is so bad that Playboy ran a pictorial showcasing all of Bo Dereks nude scenes. Buy the issue and you’ve seen all the good parts. Oh and don’t even get me started on the dialogue. If I recall there was a scene in the film where Jane says to Tarzan, “Are you a virgin?” I think Tarzan replied with something like “Awwww, shucks no. Tarzan has made love to all the chimpanzees in the jung—-oh you mean have Tarzan ever done it with a woman? (Sighs) No. Dammit.”
It’s that damn bad, folks.
Now, before I list some TRIVIA for the film I thought I would have a little contest. Nothing fancy, mind you. I can’t afford to give away cool prizes. But I can give away a “Way to go!” I am going to list four pieces of trivia for the film. All but one of them is factual. The first person to tell me which piece of trivia is false gets a “Way to go!” TRIVIA
- Woop! Bo Derek admits to having Linsanity (bazaardaily.com)
- Cheetah, of Tarzan movie fame, dies at 80 (seattletimes.nwsource.com)
- Animal sanctuary says chimp from ’30s Tarzan flicks has died (thestar.com)
- Bo Derek Has Linsanity, Excited for ‘CSI: Miami’ [Video] (inquisitr.com)
- Tarzan’s Cheetah Dies At 80 [Update: Or, Maybe Not] (outsidethebeltway.com)