TEETH-United States-2007

Jess Weixler as Dawn

John Hensley as Brad

Josh Pais as Dr. Godfrey

Hale Appleman as Tobey

Ashley Springer as Ryan

Lenny Von Dohlen as Bill

Written and Directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein

How in the hell am I supposed to write a review about a movie that features a pretty, young teenage girl who just so happens to have teeth within the confines of her vagina? Don’t get me wrong; I am not afraid of the vagina. Hell, some men can’t even say the word without blushing or sounding like they’re four years old. It’s a word, for crying out loud! Vagina comes from as early as the 1680′s and it basically translates into ‘sheath’. VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA!! There, was that so bad?

What I do have trouble with is when that very same vagina comes equipped with its own set of teeth. You heard me right; I said teeth. Fangs, choppers, pearly whites, ivories; I mean it’s bad enough that the ancients believed that men were basically afraid of the vagina and felt that they had to conquer it; but now the damn thing has teeth? This is just way too damn much to comprehend!!

Actually, it’s really not that hard to comprehend. My wife summed it up best when she said that the idea of a vagina with teeth is every woman’s wish and every man’s nightmare. Men are stronger than women. Unless a woman has some sort of defense a man can pin her down. He can rape her. He can hurt her and he can even kill her.

“Teeth” is about a young girl named Dawn (Jess Weixler, “Somebody Up There Likes Me“) who is trying to stay sexually pure until marriage. In this day and age that’s not an easy thing to do. She receives advances from Tobey (Hale Appleman, “Oysters Rockefeller“), a boy in her purity group; from Ryan (Ashley Springer), the universal dork that every girl has had to put in his place at one time or another; and even from her scum bag of a step-brother. Dawn’s defense mechanism is what makes “Teeth” a cautionary tale. Her gynecologist says it best after she leaves him screaming with his fingers severed and lying on the floor. “It’s true! Vagina dentata! Vagina dentata! Vagina dentata! “

There are a few Cavity Creeps lurking in “Teeth”. In the aforementioned scene with the gynecologist there is no nurse present when the examination takes place. Even worse, when the doctor is screaming bloody murder no one runs in to see what the matter is. Other than that, “Teeth” is a fitting cross between “Fatal Attraction” and the ABC Afterschool Special. There’s a lesson to be learned here, buddy boy!

TRIVIA

During the filming of the first scene, many of the neighbors were protesting the film because they believed it to be a pornographic film.

No man was harmed in the making of this film.

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