MY MOTHER CAUGHT ME:10 SONGS ABOUT SHAKING HANDS WITH MR. HAPPY
Ever since I decided to blog on a semi-regular basis my mind has begun to go to places other than horror movies and Scream Queens for subject matter. Depending on who you are, you may even say that Scream Queens and the subject of today’s blog go hand in hand; or maybe even hand on…let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. I present to you 10 songs about Bashing the Bishop, Flogging the Dolphin, Spanking the Monkey, Ma Thumb and Her Four Daughters…I’m talking about…hey, do you remember that scene in Blazing Saddles when the Governor handed out paddle-balls for the boys to play with ‘in lieu of that other thing’? That’s what I’m talking about.
At first listen this roadhouse rocker sounds like a three way love song between a guy, a girl and a car. “Hey little dolly with the blue jeans on“, “She’s a hot steppin’ hemi with a four on the floor” and all that jazz. But then there’s the line “Well late at night when I’m dead on the line/I swear I think of your pretty face when I let her unwind” that makes one wonder if the Ramrod is a car after all and if a little self-abuse is the order of the day. Perhaps Ramrod as a name for a car is just a wee bit metaphorical.
TURNING JAPANESE-THE VAPORS
When I told my wife I was going to include this song in this post she asked me how the song was about spanking the monkey. I told her to think about it for a minute. She just looked at me kind of funny. So I shut my eyes really tight and made ‘that motion’. She said, “Oh, I get it.”
Boy meets girl and gets girl into the show for free. Girl goes home with the drummer. Boy goes home to a quiet evening with his hand.
Rosie, you’re all right
You wear my ring
When you hold me tight
Rosie that’s my thing
When you turn out the light
I got to hand it to me
Looks like it’s me and you again tonight, Rosie.
MY DING-A-LING-CHUCK BERRY
Chuck Berry had his only number one hit with My Ding-a-ling in 1972. I was ten years old and thought he was talking about a bell. But then I got older and I realized that nobody is going to play with a bell as much as this guy does.
AUTO-MANIPULATOR-CRISPIN HELLION GLOVER
No explanation needed. Just listen to the lyrics. By the way, Crispin Glover is the guy that played George ‘father of Marty’ McFly in the Back to the Future movies. Makes you wonder if Marty didn’t go back in time to get dad to stop wanking long enough to have sex with mom so Marty could happen in the first place.
PICTURES OF LILY-THE WHO
A kid tells his dad he’s having trouble relaxing and dad gives him pictures of Lily and they ‘helped him sleep at night’. So that’s what they called it back then. Lucky little bastard; his dad gives him wank material. Some kids have to sneak into their dad’s dresser and pull out his Playboy and then put it back exactly the way they found it when they’ve finished with it. At least that’s what I heard.
CAPTAIN JACK-BILLY JOEL
Your sister’s gone out
She’s on a date
And you just sit at home
The phone is gonna ring soon
but you just can’t wait
for that call
Let me see if I got this straight; a guy is sitting at home groping the gorilla because he can’t wait for a telephone call that presumably is going to be a phone sex session. Sounds like the Daniel-san of wankers needed a little lesson in patience from Mr. Miyagi. Think about it; whacks on, whacks off, whacks on, whacks off…
I TOUCH MYSELF-DIVINYLS
My wife and I used to go to karaoke and on Sunday nights they would have what was called Karaoke Roulette in which you had to sing whatever song came up on the screen whether you knew it or not. My wife had to sing “I Touch Myself” and I couldn’t breathe because I was laughing too hard. Isn’t love grand?
DONALD AND LYDIA-JOHN PRINE
Yes, this song is about bruising the beaver and burping the worm as obese Lydia reads those romance magazines all alone in her room and old weird Donald gets off on envisioning romantic scenes late at night in the latrine before finally ‘making love with each other from ten miles away’; but deep down it’s all about loneliness and is definitely the saddest song on this list.
BE MY GIRL-SALLY-THE POLICE
She came all wrapped in cardboard,
All pink and shriveled down
A breath of air was all she needed
To make her lose that frown
I took her to the bedroom
And pumped her with some life,
And later in a moment
That girl became my wife
And so I sit her in the corner
And sometimes stroke her hair
And when I’m feeling naughty
I blow her up with air
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with even if it involves strong lungs or a bicycle pump to get her ready for you. By the way, did you know that Adolf Hitler is now credited with the invention of the inflatable sex doll? It seems our boy ‘Dolf wanted something to keep his troops happy and away from the syphilis carrying French Mademoiselles. I can just imagine a conversation between two SS officers at one of ‘Der Fuehrer’s’ rallies.
“Warten Sie eine Minute; sagte er, dass wir die Herrenrasse waren. oder das, das wir masturbieren sollten?”*
This is definitely the strangest post I’ve ever written. Enjoy it when you’re alone and in lieu of that other thing.
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