Category Archives: Films From The Halloween Series
HALLOWEEN: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS-United States-1995
I don’t even want to begin to tell you how stupid this movie is. What little plot the film has is completely ludicrous. It seems like every one of these films repeats the same fucking formula every damn time you turn around. Michael returns to kill a member of his family that crawls out of the woodwork of the story or from between the legs of the last relative he tried to kill. The only thing this film has going for it is that it’s the debut of Paul Rudd. But even he can’t save this celluloid anus from splattering shit all over the screen.
For each movie I review I usually try to reserve about three hundred words for the review itself, not including the trivia. I’m not even going to waste that many words on this film. It doesn’t deserve it and you, faithful readers, deserve better.
After watching a bunch of cute little kittens running for their lives from a vacuum cleaner, I decided to write this review for Halloween 5. So what have we learned here today, ladies and gentlemen? Well, first we learn that Dr. Sam Loomis is nuttier than a fruitcake and will break every child endangerment law in the country if that’s what it takes to stop Michael Myers. I’m serious, the dude is freaking insane. Other than that, Halloween 5 is just another in a long line of mediocre sequels to a film that was done better by Rob Zombie. Yeah, I said it!! At least the Michael in the Zombie remake looked big enough to hurt somebody. Where the hell do they get these guys from; Wal-Mart? Don’t even get me started on the kills. The best one was the pitchfork through the guy when he was pitching’ his fork in the girl. News Flash: Friday the 13th Part 2 did it better; Jason achieved double-penetration. How that’s for double entendre?
I know I said that I was going to review the Halloween films for the month of October. But dear God in Heaven I should have my head examined. The Halloween films are the worst damn series in the history of horror films. At least the Friday the 13th films had imaginative kills going for them. Halloween has a wimpy looking dude in a half-finished Captain Kirk mask. If Part 6, H20 and Resurrection aren’t any better I may just be writing my next review from inside the rubber room. Take care and stay scared!
Oh, wait, before I forget. The plot of Halloween 5 is as follows: Michael has a niece, Jamie. Jamie is psychically bonded to Michael. Dr. Loomis knows this and uses Jamie to get to Michael. Stabbings, gunshots, pitchforks, kittens (scary) and dead bodies ensue. Yippee.
The bus that the Man in Black gets off of stops outside the exact same store where Jamie and Rachel went to get a Halloween costume in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers.
Don Shanks revealed in an interview that many of the scenes involving the man in black had him playing the character, because of speculation that he was a blood relative of Michael Myers. He also admitted that even the writers uncertain about the man in black’s identity.
The film was released straight to video outside of North America.
- 5 Ways to Get in the Halloween Spirit (desmoinesisnotboring.com)
HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS-United States-1988
How many freaking relatives does Michael Myers have? I mean, for gosh sakes he killed his sister when he was six; then he tried to kill his other sister Laurie, when he grew up. Now with Halloween 4 he’s trying to kill the daughter of Laurie Strode. I tell you what, they should have just showed the old boy a picture of Osama Bin Laden and told him “Alright, Michael, this is your sister, Osama Bin Myers. She’s a bearded lady and she can’t talk right. She lives overseas and she says you’re a pussy and to come and get her if you can. Here’s your plane ticket. Wait until the plane lands before you kill everybody on board. Go get her, boy!” There would have been no need to send any troops over there.
I don’t mean to make light of that whole situation. I’m making fun of the fact that this guy has all these relatives to kill. This is the plot to Halloween 4:
“There’s Michael Myers! Run for your life!”
“He’ll kill you if he catches you!”
“Are we related?”
“Well…no, I don’t think so.”
“Well, alright then. I’m cool.”
“Dang, I never thought of that.”
That, ladies and gentlemen is the plot of Halloween 4. Don’t get me started on the acting. There’s none of that in this movie, either. Well, I take that back. Donald Pleasance is still the king of psycho psychiatrists and Danielle Harris does a pretty darn good job in her first starring role, which means she isn’t too annoying for a screaming 7 year-old kid.
Halloween 4 should have been subtitled “The Myers Family Reunion.” Hell, I think maybe they should have all been called that.
Directed by Rick Rosenthal
We interrupt this blog to bring you a special news bulletin. Michael Myers, the killer responsible for all those deaths in Halloween, is back for a sequel. On the scene at the Haddonfield Memorial Hospital is our roving reporter, Debra Carpenter.
“Debra, can you tell us anything at this moment?”
“Well, John, it appears that not only have Michael Myers and Laurie Strode returned for the sequel to Halloween, but Dr. Sam Loomis has signed on as well.”
“Is there any truth to the rumor that Michael is still trying to kill Laurie Strode?”
“John, it appears that Laurie was taken here to Haddonfield Memorial. The hospital is known for being the darkest and most deserted hospital in the world, but I myself believe that it’s merely for scary effect. As for Laurie, she’s doing her best to run as fast as she can on a broken ankle. Meanwhile, Michael is taking his sweet time and is keeping up with her just like all the other great horror film villains.”
“So, Debra, is it easy to assume that there will be a highly important plot point revealed in this particular film?”
“Well, I don’t want to just blurt any major details. There may actually be someone out there who hasn’t seen the film even though it’s been 40 years since its release.”
“Ouch, that really makes me feel old, Debra.”
“I do my best, John.”
Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Michael Myers has returned along with Laurie Strode and Dr. Loomis for an illogically written and directed sequel to the original Halloween. Released nearly 40 years ago, this film makes me feel really old as I was 19 when it was released. The good part about the film is that Jamie Lee Curtis still looked like a cute girl and not like Harrison Ford.
We return now to this blog, already in progress.
Dana Carvey made his movie debut in this movie playing an assistant. He can be seen receiving instructions from a blond reporter in front of the Wallace house.
The film is set immediately after the first Halloween. Since Jamie Lee Curtis had begun to wear a much shorter hairstyle in the 1980s, she had to wear a wig that matched her original hairstyle for the film.
Ben Tramer, who gets killed, is a reference to John Carpenter’s friend Bennett Tramer. They went to USC (University of Southern California) as Tramer wrote episodes for ‘”Saved By the Bell” (1989)’.