Category Archives: Monster or Alien Films
THE RELIC
THE RELIC-United States/United Kingdom/Germany/Japan/New Zealand-1997
Penelope Ann Miller as Dr. Margo Green
Tom Sizemore as Lt. Vincent D’Agosta
Linda Hunt as Dr. Ann Cuthbert
James Whitmore as Dr. Albert Frock
Directed by Peter Hyams
Screenplay by Amy Jones, John Raffo, Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver
Based on the novel by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child
If there is one thing that I have learned in the 40-plus years that I’ve been watching movies it is this: if you have an idea people will steal it and turn it into something of their own. It doesn’t matter how great an idea it is and it doesn’t matter how old it is and it certainly doesn’t matter if it was successful in the first place. For example, “An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge” was written by Ambrose Bierce in 1890; yet I can think of two movies, Jacob’s Ladder (1990) and Sucker Punch (2011) that blatantly steal its premise.
Another idea that seems to be ‘borrowed’ from a lot is one that I like to call the “Jaws Syndrome”. Let’s use The Relic as an example to break it down. First, you have a place; in the case of The Relic that place is the Chicago Museum of Natural History. Then you have a gala, party or celebration in that place that must occur no matter what. In The Relic it is the occasion of the grand opening of the spectacular “Superstition” exhibit that’s going to make the museum all sorts of money. Now, Jaws had a shark; but we can’t really put a shark in the middle of a museum to wreak havoc, now can we? Enter the Kothoga, a Chimera of a creature that loves to rip the heads off of its victims and suck out the hypothalamus. It’s a big, nasty juggernaut of a beast. Let’s move on to the characters now, shall we?
Dr. Margo Green (Penelope Ann Miller, Carlito’s Way, The Artist); Margo is the Matt Hooper of The Relic. She’s a scientist who knows the inner workings of the Kothoga and what she doesn’t know she’ll gladly interpolate on her super cool interpolator.
If we have a Hooper, then surely we must have a Sheriff Brody. That would be Lt. Vincent D’Agosta (Tom Sizemore, Natural Born Killers, Saving Private Ryan). Lt. D’Agosta is the superstitious type who doesn’t pick up a penny if its head down on the floor, will not step over a dead body and he carries around a lucky bullet to remind him why he’s alive. He’s in way over his head with Kothoga, but by golly he’s going to save the swimmers, I mean museum attendees from that awful Great White shark, I mean that nasty head-chomping monster whether the Mayor (Robert Lesser) likes it or not. That, ladies and gentlemen, is an example of the “Jaws Syndrome”. If you need further references, then I direct your attention to Piranha, Grizzly, and Dante’s Peak.
I liked The Relic, in case you were wondering. It’s one of those movies that remind me why I love horror movies in the first place; and that is because I love monsters. The Kothoga is big, mean, fast and it can climb on walls, so don’t even think about escaping through the skylight like that hapless S.W.A.T. team member tried to do.
The movie does have its flaws; the main one being that its way too dark in several key scenes and I found myself straining to figure out what was happening. I find this flaw surprising seeing as how director Peter Hyams is also the director of photography. Perhaps he assumed that ‘dark’ means ‘mysterious’ when in this case ‘dark’ means ‘dark’ and that is all. Fortunately the more illuminated scenes allow us to see Kothoga in all its glory as I’m sure SFX master Stan Winston intended us to.
If you want a dumb, mindless and fun movie then you can’t go wrong with The Relic. It’s the Jaws of museum monster movies.
TRIVIA
One of the sound effects is a floppy disk drive access sound from an Apple Macintosh computer (not the Silicon Graphics computers).
Harrison Ford was director Peter Hyams’s first choice for the lead role of Vincent D’Agosta (played by Tom Sizemore).
Audra Lindley’s last feature film.
The preparation of the fictional elixir given to John Whitney by the Amazon tribesmen, and the ceremony surrounding it, strongly parallels the real-life consumption of ayahuasca, a psychoactive tea used religiously by numerous Amazon tribes.
The improvised explosive Margo makes using two jars is very similar to the one made byJean-Claude Van Damme’s character in Sudden Death, director Peter Hyams’ previous film.
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SLITHER
SLITHER-Canada?United States-2006
Nathan Fillion as Bill Pardy
Elizabeth Banks as Starla Grant
Gregg Henry as Jack MacReady
Michael Rooker as Grant Grant
Written and Directed by James Gunn
The great thing about “Slither” has nothing to do with the plot of the film. We’ve seen it a million times before. Aliens take over the minds of humans and a small group of the uninfected rise up to save the day. The infected include Michael Rooker (“The Walking Dead”), who spends more than half the movie looking like a cross between H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu and a double slice of extra cheese pizza. The uninfected are represented by Nathan Fillion (“Serenity”, “Super”) and Elizabeth Banks (“The Hunger Games”, “Zack and Miri Make a Porno“). Toss in Gregg Henry for unexpected comic relief and enough body popping special effects to make a fanboy blast off in his britches and you’ve got yourself a nice little slice of sci-fi/horror pie with comedy ice cream on top.
But like I said before, that has nothing to do with why this movie is so cool. “Slither” is cool because director James Gunn has not forgotten the movies that paved the way for him. There are references to “From Beyond”, “The Thing”, George Romero‘s zombie flicks, “The Evil Dead”, “Night of the Creeps”, “Basket Case” and “Rosemary’s Baby”. Hell, there are probably a dozen more films that Gunn has paid tribute to with “Slither” that I might have missed. Gunn never takes “Slither” too seriously. If he did there would be no way that it would be as fun as it is.
So, pop “Slither” into your DVD player and see how many movies you can spot. Oh, and be prepared to say ‘what the fuck?’ a lot. It sort of comes with the territory.
TRIVIA
Haig Sutherland was the first person to be cast. Elizabeth Banks was the second. Gregg Henry was the last actor to be seen for the part (out of more than 100 actors from Los Angeles and Vancouver) and nailed his audition. Nathan Fillion was the last actor to be cast, about a week before shooting began. Shooting lasted 47 days.
Dangled above the street at the beginning of the film and on stage later at the Deer Cheer celebration you can see “Henenlotter’s Saddle Lodge presents Deer Cheer” signage, a clear reference to cult horror writer/director Frank Henenlotter, famed creator of Basket Case and Brain Damage.
Rob Zombie: voice of Dr. Karl, talking to Starla on the phone.
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FEAST
FEAST-United States-2005
Balthazar Getty as Bozo
Eric Dane as Hero
Henry Rollins as Coach
Navi Rawat as Heroine
Judah Friedlander as Beer Guy
Josh Zuckerman as Hot Wheels
Jason Mewes as Edgy Cat
Jenny Wade as Honey Pie
Krista Allen as Tuffy
Clu Gulager as Bartender
Directed by John Gulager
Written by Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan
If you enter into watching “Feast” with lowered expectations, then you’re not going to be disappointed. Think John Carpenter‘s “Assault on Precinct 13“; but set in a hick bar with douchebags, barflys and dumb-asses surrounded by bloodthirsty creatures that are as horny as they are hungry (they hump each other on the hood of a car and out pops baby monster). They’ve got big teeth and big Johnson’s and no one has any idea where they came from. As I re-read that last sentence it seems confusing to me. The trailer for “Feast” tells us that they were created by the military as a secret weapon and that before they could be used on the enemy they had to be field tested…on us. Now, unless I missed something somewhere or wasn’t paying attention in class there is no mention of this anywhere in the movie. What I do know is that I was hoping for half the people in the bar to become monster food. Balthazar Getty (“Ladder 49″), leads the merry assortment of idiots that include Henry Rollins (“Wrong Turn 2: Dead End“), Clu Gulager (“Return of the Living Dead”) and Judah Friedlander (“The Wrestler”). Needless to say I wouldn’t trust these losers with cap guns, much less shotguns and Molotov cocktails. It comes as no surprise that the women of this film, Krista Allen and Navi Rawat in particular, are the ones that give these bumpkins any chance of seeing the light of day. Feast is directed in a fast paced, take no prisoners style that has become the thing to do these last few years or so. One thing I found amusing for a while is the way that the characters were introduced. A short bio with their name, occupation and life expectancy is flashed across the screen. It’s funny but it wears out its welcome quickly. Like I said at the beginning; don’t expect too much and you will not be disappointed. Dig any deeper and it all falls apart.
TRIVIA
Clu Gulager, the actor playing Bartender, is the father of the film’s director, John Gulager. Also, Diane Ayala Goldner, who plays Harley Mama, is John’s wife.
The movie’s development was part of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck’s Project Greenlight 3 program.
The role of Hero was offered to Mark Wahlberg, but he turned it down. Josh Duhamel was also interested but forced to drop out for scheduling conflicts.
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TREMORS
TREMORS-United States-1990
Kevin Bacon as Valentine McKee
Fred Ward as Earl Bassett
Finn Carter as Rhonda LeBeck
Michael Gross as Burt Gummer
Reba McEntire as Heather Gummer
Directed by Ron Underwood
Story by S.S. Wilson, Brent Maddock and Ron Underwood
Screenplay by S.S. Wilson, Brent Maddock
You know. I really cannot understand why “Tremors” did not at least win the Oscar for Best Actor upon its release in 1990. Okay, before you go raising your eyebrows and slowly make your way over to your phone to call the boys in the white coat to come get me, allow me to explain myself.
What is the general plot of “Tremors”? The general plot is that a shit-hole of a town with the truly ironic and not in an Alanis Morrisette who doesn’t the damn meaning of the word sort way name of Perfection is beset upon by a trio of subterranean gigantic worm-like creatures that see the dumber than dirt townsfolk as food. Kevin Bacon (“Footloose” and “X-Men: First Class”) and Fred Ward (“The Right Stuff” and “The Player”) are the slightly smarter than dirt good ole boys who come up with sort of a plan to get rid of the creatures. Well, they do have a little help from Finn Carter as a seismologist studying all the commotion these gargantuan fishing worms are causing. Do they manage to save the day and therefore the town? Well, think about it; there are three sequels and a TV series, so somebody must have survived.
So, I suppose you’re still trying to guess who should have won the Best Actor Academy Award. I bet you’re thinking it should be Kevin Bacon. Well, you would be so wrong. Is it Fred Ward, you wonder? That is not even close. I will give you a hint: the character overcomes two severe handicaps, one natural and one accidental, and is able to make a life for themselves despite their shortcomings. Now I’ll take a few seconds to let you think about it.
Do you give up?
It was the worm that Fred and Kevin’s characters referred to as ‘Stumpy’! Think about it; Stumpy was blind to begin with and then he got his tentacle amputated. Look at movies like “My Left Foot” and “Forrest Gump”. Hollywood loves to give the Oscar to the underdog. Jeremy Irons won for “Reversal of Fortune” in 1990; but I bet if Stumpy had been in the running he would have given Mr. Irons quite the run for his money. Either that or he would have just eaten him and taken his Oscar.
You now have permission to call the boys in the white coats. Oh, and by the way, did you really think I was going to take a movie like this seriously?
TRIVIA
Michael Gross began filming one day after shooting the last episode of Family Ties.
Originally, the monsters were supposed to be completely dry, not slimy. This was changed when it was remarked that the gloss paint effect made them look like they were covered in nail varnish.
S.S. Wilson said that he got the idea for the film while he was working for the US Navy in the California desert. While resting on a rock, he imagined what it might be like if something underground kept him from getting off the rock.
First film as an actress of country music singer Reba McEntire.
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CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON
CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON-United States-1954
Richard Carlson as David Reed
Julia Adams as Kay Lawrence
Richard Denning as Mark Williams
Antonio Moreno as Carl Maia
Nestor Paivia as Lucas
Whit Bissell as Dr. Edwin Thompson
Screenplay by Harry Essex and Arthur Ross
From a story by Maurice Zimm and an idea by William Alland
I loved “Creature from the Black Lagoon” when I was a kid and it would air on Shock Theater on Saturday afternoons. Any movie about a mysterious gill man was bound to be a hit in this young boy’s opinion. Re-watching the film for this review, I found that I still love the film; but there are things that my adult mind caught that my kid’s mind didn’t. The film is still good, but it definitely leaves a lot to be desired. Here are a few examples:
The film is a showcase for macho actors to say macho things and argue with each other in macho tones.
The two male leads, Richard Carlson and Richard Dennings, argue worse than an old married couple. I know that there is animosity between the two of them over the only girl in the entire film (Julia Adams), but these two Dicks act like more like Janes. Don’t shoot me, ladies; I just call it like I see it.
Speaking of the only female in the film, why is she even there in the first place? She serves no purpose and spends half the movie screaming and the other half turning away from whatever she’s screaming at.
As for the Creature itself, they refer to it as a ‘he’. Are you sure? Did you see a little Creature penis dangling from between its legs? Wouldn’t it have been more proper to refer to it as ‘it’?
At the end, when the men are shooting at the Creature and Richard Carlson’s characters tells them to stop he may as well have been saying “We can get two sequels out of him if we want.” But that’s just me.
Don’t get me wrong; I love this movie. When I was a kid I thought it was perfect. It’s definitely not, but I still love it anyway.
TRIVIA
Ricou Browning, a professional diver and swimmer, was required to hold his breath for up to 4 minutes at a time for his underwater role as the “Gill Man.” The director’s logic was that the air would have to travel through the monster’s gills and thus not reveal air bubbles from his mouth or nose. Thus, the costume was designed without an air tank. In the subsequent films, this detail was ignored and air can be seen emanating from the top of the creature’s head.
When William Alland was a member of Orson Welles‘ Mercury Theatre, he heard famed Mexican cinematographer Gabriel Figueroa tell of a legend about a humanoid creature that supposedly lived in South America. That legend became the origin of this film.
The physical appearance of the Creature was modeled after a likeness of the Oscar, the figurine awarded annually by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.
Ingmar Bergman watched this film every day on his birthday.
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UNEARTHED
UNEARTHED-United States-2007
Emmanuelle Vaugier as Sheriff Annie Flynn
Luke Goss as Kale
Charlie Murphy as Hank
Beau Garrett as Caya
Tommy Dewey as Charlie
Tonantzin Carmelo as Nodin
Written and directed by Matthew Leutwyler
Matthew Leutwyler must have read the chapter of “Screenwriting for Dummies” entitled “Writing a Clichéd Horror Movie” quite a few times before making “Unearthed”. He knows the recipe by heart:
Take a one horse town in the middle of nowhere. Cut the town off from the outside world by some natural or unnatural occurrence. This time it’s an overturned tanker that just so happened to be delivering the fuel for the towns only gas station.
Take 1 female sheriff (Emmanuelle Vaugier, “CSI: NY“) who is now an alcoholic after an off-screen occurrence that has half the town behind her and other half screaming for her termination. Throw her in with a…
… black man (Charlie Murphy) who must get to his destination yesterday, two young girls (Beau Garrett, Whitney Able) on their way to Hollywood who don’t know how to read a map, a young good ole boy (Tommy Dewey) with a broken down truck, and an old Indian and his biologist granddaughter (Russell Means and Tonantzin Carmelo). Never mind that these people all came from outside of town; they’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time. For added flavor toss in a mysterious archaeologist (Luke Goss) who has some idea of what’s going on but is being extremely vague about the whole thing…stir occasionally and mix in a…
…900 year old creature that somewhat resembles the xenomorph from Alien, makes a galloping sound like a horse when it runs and is, of course, out for blood.
Shake well for 93 minutes until you have one excruciatingly stupid and boring movie.
NO TRIVIA
NO BLOOD DROPS
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MONSTER BRAWL
MONSTER BRAWL-Canada-2011
Dave Foley as Buzz Chambers
Robert Maillet as Frankenstein
Kevin Nash as Colonel Crookshank
Jimmy Hart as Himself
Herb Dean as Himself
and featuring Lance Henriksen as the voice of God.
Written and directed by Jesse T. Cook
There are two things I love in this world; horror movies and professional wrestling. It was around the age of seven years old that my sister began scaring the crap out of me and leaving a lasting mark by telling me that there was a werewolf in my closet just waiting for the full moon to ravage and devour my tender young body. Wait a minute, stop, hold on, time out. Did I just say ‘my tender young body’? That sounds so…icky. The next thing you know I’ll have NAMBLA following my blog. Back off, you sick pervs!
Cut to three years later and at the age of ten I attended my very first professional wrestling match in 1972. The main event featured “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair and Johnny Valentine versus “Number One” Paul Jones and “The Eighth Wonder of The World” Andre the Giant. To say that it made an impression on my impressionable young mind would be the most understated of understatements. I am now 50 years old, and even though I know that pro wrestling is about as real as a Paris Hilton orgasm, I still have no intention of giving it up.
Now, for two interests as diverse as ‘rasslin’ and fright flicks you would think that never the two shall meet. But I am here to tell you right now that is as far from the truth as a porn star saying they’ve never done anal. Just look at the cinematic fright world for the match-ups that have taken place over the years. There’s King Kong versus Godzilla, Frankenstein versus The Wolf Man, Aliens versus Predator and on and on and on. Let us not also forget that professional wrestling has had its share of monstrosities. There’s The Undertaker, Kane, Gangrel, “The Monster” Abyss, Vampiro and many, many more creatures of the squared circle. Wrestling and monsters have been strange bedfellows for a number of years.
This brings me to the main event of the evening, ladies and gentlemen. It’s the battle for the ages, the fight of the century between the creatures and the undead. I am talking about the brawl to end it all and the war that will settle the score; the WrestleMania from the crypt and the death match of death matches. “Monster Brawl” is the type of movie that answers the question that we have all wanted to ask and would have done just that if we had just smoked a little more pot; what would happen if the world’s most (in) famous monsters met in the middle of the ring to determine who is the best of the best among the denizens of the darkness? Frankenstein, Werewolf, Lady Vampire, Zombie Man, The Mummy, Swamp Gut, Cyclops and Witch Bitch pound it out in the middle of the ring in this extravaganza of the weird. Lending a hand to the festivities are none other than “Big Daddy Cool” Kevin Nash and the “Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart. So, if you love wrestling and you love horror movies then you just cannot go wrong with “Monster Brawl.” However, if you’re looking for a movie full of metaphors, subtleties and Academy Award winning performances then I suggest you watch something else. But seriously, if you can’t enjoy a movie like this on the lowest of levels then you really need to get that stick out of your ass. Wooooo!!
P.S. There are actually three things I love in this world. The third and most important thing is my wife. I don’t sleep with monsters and I don’t sleep with pro wrestlers. I do sleep with my wife. So if I want that sleep to be a peaceful one I damn sure better give my baby her props. Hail to the queen of my world!!
NO TRIVIA
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PUMPKINHEAD
PUMPKINHEAD-United States-1988
Lance Henriksen as Ed Harley
Matthew Hurley as Billy Harley
John D’Aquino as Joel
Directed by Stan Winston
Poem by Ed Justin
Story by Mark Patrick Carducci, Stan Winston and Richard Weinman
Screenplay Mark Patrick Carducci and Gary Gerani
The last time I saw “Pumpkinhead” was when the film was first released to video. I remember looking forward to the film as it was the directorial debut of SFX wizard Stan Winston and that it starred Lance Henriksen, an actor that I’d grown to like after his roles in “The Terminator” and as the android Bishop in “Aliens.” I also remember being disappointed as I was hoping the film would be gorier than what it turned out to be. It just so happens that I was at that stage in my evolution as a horror film fan where blood and guts won out over acting, direction and storytelling. Despite the titular creature and its penchant for violence, “Pumpkinhead” is ultimately a tale of suspense and revenge that could have been so much better had Winston had a little more experience under his belt as a filmmaker.
Lance Henriksen portrays Ed Harley, a man of the country and a loving single father to his young son Billy. Billy is mortally wounded after being hit by a motorcycle and when the rider and his friends flee the scene, Ed takes revenge the only way he knows how. He calls on an old woman, Haggis; who in turn conjures the demon known as Pumpkinhead in order to seek out and destroy the ones who killed his child. Pretty soon the demon is hot on their heels and fulfilling his part of the bargain. But Ed soon finds out that vengeance comes with a price tag much too powerful to pay.
The best thing about the film was Winston’s choice in casting Lance Henriksen in the lead role. Henriksen is an actor who has a strong command of the characters he portrays and in the humble opinion of this reviewer he is one of the most underrated actors in the business. That’s okay; horror fans have known for years how good the man is. It’s the rest of the world that needs to catch up.
So, many years later and a little bit wiser, I have come to enjoy “Pumpkinhead” for what it is; a suspense film in horror film clothing. It’s not perfect. Hell, sometimes it’s not even good. But it does what it sets out to do; it entertains while at the same time scaring the hell out of us.
TRIVIA
This film, orphaned by the bankruptcy of De Laurentiis Entertainment Group, eventually garnered a spotty release when acquired by United Artists, which tested the film under the alternate title Vengeance – The Demon.
The one scene that made Lance Henriksen most want to take the role was where the deceased Billy sits up and asks his father what he’s done.
Film debut of Mayim Bialik.
Screenwriters Mark Patrick Carducci and Gary Gerani were inspired by the horror movies of Mario Bava.
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CANDY STRIPERS
CANDY STRIPERS-United States-2006
Deanna Brooks as Janine, Serria Tawan as Laurie and if any one knows who the blond on the right is please let me know as I can’t figure it out. Thank you very much.
Brian Lloyd as Matt
William Edwards, Jr. as Joey
Directed by Kate Robbins
Written by Kate Robbins and Jill Garson
I watched “Candy Stripers” at the suggestion of a friend who informed me that he was a stuntman in the film and that he had some considerable face time. Trust me, he does. If you watch the film you’ll see him as the guy that gets his arm broken before being unceremoniously tossed across the room by one of the alien nurses. I must admit I teared up a bit during that scene. Well, not really.
“Candy Stripers” is bad movie making at its best; or worst, depending on how you look at it. It goes beyond reviewing. So I thought I would share a couple of observations I wrote down while watching the film. Check it out:
1. In an early scene a girl dials 911 and before the phone even rings she shouts out “Ohmygodthere’sbeenanaccident.” This would indicate that she got an immediate answer. I have called 911 on a few occasions and have never gotten an immediate response. What was her secret? Does 911 have this girl on speed answer?
2. I work with nurses. They work long shifts and are on their feet constantly. Therefore they are not about to wear shoes that are of the type that Jenna Jameson or Tera Patrick would consider fashionable. It’s just not going to happen.
3. Telling a gorgeous nurse “Kiss me. I’m about to die” will not actually get you a kiss. If it did I would have tried it years ago.
4. The alien possessed nurses eat a ton of doughnuts, candy and sugar packets to sustain them. At the hospital where I work there is always candy of some kind near the nurse’s stations. Should I be worried?
5. Doctors do not spend their time seducing nurses and drinking Schnapps.
And finally…
6. If you do an image search for photos from “Candy Stripers” I must warn you that there was also a porno film with that same title. You may want to adjust your filter. But then again, maybe not.
If you like hot girls, nudity and ludicrous storytelling then Candy Stripers is the cure for what ails you. Otherwise, take two aspirin and stay at home.
Thank you.
NO TRIVIA
½
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PROMETHEUS
PROMETHEUS-United States-2012
Noomi Rapace as Elizabeth Shaw
Michael Fassbender as David
Guy Pearce as Peter Weyland
Idris Elba as Janek
Logan Marshall-Green as Charlie Holloway
Charlize Theron as Meredith Vickers
Directed by Ridley Scott
Written by John Spaihts and Damon Lindelof
This may be the shortest, most simplistic review I’ve ever written. If I try to explain the plot of “Prometheus” in too much detail it begins to sound ridiculous despite the fact that it’s not. So I decided to try and touch on the things I found intriguing about the film.
1. The film is a return to science fiction for director Ridley Scott after a 35 year absence. Let’s hope he doesn’t take that long the next time around.
2. “Prometheus” is, and isn’t a prequel to 1979′s “Alien”. It is because it answers questions about the original film; it isn’t because it could be a stand-alone story with entirely new questions to answer.
3. The three main leads in the film; Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender and Charlize Theron all deliver excellent performances. However, it is Fassbender as the android David who knocks it out of the park. His David is a walking version of the HAL 9000 from “2001: A Space Odyssey“. Fassbender is courteous, cold and cunning; usually all three in the same scene. I hope that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences takes note.
4. The film is a visual beauty.
If you want a more detailed review of “Prometheus” then I suggest you read the review at CINEMAWOLF. I went into the theater to have a good time and to see a good movie. I didn’t really do too much thinking. Sometimes I just want to watch a movie on a fan’s level.
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