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MY MOTHER CAUGHT ME:10 SONGS ABOUT SHAKING HANDS WITH MR. HAPPY

Ever since I decided to blog on a semi-regular basis my mind has begun to go to places other than horror movies and Scream Queens for subject matter. Depending on who you are, you may even say that Scream Queens and the subject of today’s blog go hand in hand; or maybe even hand on…let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. I present to you 10 songs about Bashing the Bishop, Flogging the Dolphin, Spanking the Monkey, Ma Thumb and Her Four Daughters…I’m talking about…hey, do you remember that scene in Blazing Saddles when the Governor handed out paddle-balls for the boys to play with ‘in lieu of that other thing’? That’s what I’m talking about.

RAMROD-BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND THE E STREET BAND 

At first listen this roadhouse rocker sounds like a three way love song between a guy, a girl and a car. “Hey little dolly with the blue jeans on“, “She’s a hot steppin’ hemi with a four on the floor” and all that jazz. But then there’s the line “Well late at night when I’m dead on the line/I swear I think of your pretty face when I let her unwind” that makes one wonder if the Ramrod is a car after all and if a little self-abuse is the order of the day. Perhaps Ramrod as a name for a car is just a wee bit metaphorical.

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TURNING JAPANESE-THE VAPORS

When I told my wife I was going to include this song in this post she asked me how the song was about spanking the monkey. I told her to think about it for a minute. She just looked at me kind of funny. So I shut my eyes really tight and made ‘that motion’. She said, “Oh, I get it.”

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ROSIE-JACKSON BROWNE

Boy meets girl and gets girl into the show for free. Girl goes home with the drummer. Boy goes home to a quiet evening with his hand.

Rosie, you’re all right

You wear my ring

When you hold me tight

Rosie that’s my thing

When you turn out the light 

I got to hand it to me

Looks like it’s me and you again tonight, Rosie.

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MY DING-A-LING-CHUCK BERRY

Chuck Berry had his only number one hit with My Ding-a-ling in 1972. I was ten years old and thought he was talking about a bell. But then I got older and I realized that nobody is going to play with a bell as much as this guy does.

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AUTO-MANIPULATOR-CRISPIN HELLION GLOVER

No explanation needed. Just listen to the lyrics. By the way, Crispin Glover is the guy that played George ‘father of Marty’ McFly in the Back to the Future movies. Makes you wonder if Marty didn’t go back in time to get dad to stop wanking long enough to have sex with mom so Marty could happen in the first place.

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PICTURES OF LILY-THE WHO

A kid tells his dad he’s having trouble relaxing and dad gives him pictures of Lily and they ‘helped him sleep at night’. So that’s what they called it back then. Lucky little bastard; his dad gives him wank material. Some kids have to sneak into their dad’s dresser and pull out his Playboy and then put it back exactly the way they found it when they’ve finished with it. At least that’s what I heard.

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CAPTAIN JACK-BILLY JOEL

Your sister’s gone out

She’s on a date

And you just sit at home

and masturbate

The phone is gonna ring soon 

but you just can’t wait

for that call

Let me see if I got this straight; a guy is sitting at home groping the gorilla because he can’t wait for a telephone call that presumably is going to be a phone sex session. Sounds like the Daniel-san of wankers needed a little lesson in patience from Mr. Miyagi. Think about it; whacks on, whacks off, whacks on, whacks off…

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I TOUCH MYSELF-DIVINYLS

My wife and I used to go to karaoke and on Sunday nights they would have what was called Karaoke Roulette in which you had to sing whatever song came up on the screen whether you knew it or not. My wife had to sing “I Touch Myself” and I couldn’t breathe because I was laughing too hard. Isn’t love grand?

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DONALD AND LYDIA-JOHN PRINE

Yes, this song is about bruising the beaver and burping the worm as obese Lydia reads those romance magazines all alone in her room and old weird Donald gets off on envisioning romantic scenes late at night in the latrine before finally ‘making love with each other from ten miles away’; but deep down it’s all about loneliness and is definitely the saddest song on this list.

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BE MY GIRL-SALLY-THE POLICE

She came all wrapped in cardboard,
All pink and shriveled down
A breath of air was all she needed
To make her lose that frown

I took her to the bedroom
And pumped her with some life,
And later in a moment
That girl became my wife

And so I sit her in the corner
And sometimes stroke her hair
And when I’m feeling naughty
I blow her up with air

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with even if it involves strong lungs or a bicycle pump to get her ready for you. By the way, did you know that Adolf Hitler is now credited with the invention of the inflatable sex doll? It seems our boy ‘Dolf wanted something to keep his troops happy and away from the syphilis carrying French Mademoiselles. I can just imagine a conversation between two SS officers at one of ‘Der Fuehrer’s’ rallies.

“Warten Sie eine Minute; sagte er, dass wir die Herrenrasse waren. oder das, das wir masturbieren sollten?”*

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This is definitely the strangest post I’ve ever written. Enjoy it when you’re alone and in lieu of that other thing.

*”Wait a minute; did he say that we were the master race. or that we should masturbate?”
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DEAD SNOW (DØD SNØ)

DEAD SNOW (DØD SNØ)-Norway-2009

 

Vegar Hoel as Martin

Stig Frode Henriksen as Roy

Charlotte Frogner as Hanna

Lasse Valdal as Vegard

Evy Kasseth Røsten as Liv

Jeppe Beck Laursen as Erlend

Jenny Skavlan as Chris

Ane Dahl Torp as Sara

Bjørn Sundquist as Turgåer

Ørjan Gamst as Oberst Herzog

Directed by Tommy Wirkola

Written by Tommy Wirkola and Stig Frode Henriksen

My wife has suggested to me for years that we should take some time off and go camping. Although it sounds like fun I still find myself coming up with all sorts of reasons not to go. So far I’ve come up with Bigfoot, the Wendigo, werewolves, vampires and the Blair Witch just to name a few. Needless to say, she’s not buying my bullshit. But now I can add a reason to the list that I know she can’t say no to: Nazi Zombies. All I have to do is show her “Dead Snow” and let her see what happens to a group of medical students who take a holiday in a remote cabin and are beset upon by a blitzkrieg of the undead. “Dead Snow” gives a pretty half-ass reason for the existence of this walking dead gestapo, but to be honest that doesn’t really matter. “Dead Snow” has helped me to realize that it doesn’t matter how the zombies were created. What does matter is how much blood, guts and gore can be spilled and how inventive it can be done. Axes, chainsaws, scythes, hammers, shotguns and machine guns all play a major role in this movie; not to mention a snowmobile that doubles as a zombie Cuisinart. “Dead Snow” is bloody fun from beginning to end. Just remember one thing: it’s all fun and games until the Nazi Zombies show up.

TRIVIA

Originally it was going to be called “Rød Snø” (or Red Snow in English), as an homage to the Swedish/Norwegian mini-series with the same name.

This film’s main trailer shows black-and-white World War II archive footage including battleships, parachuting and a command room featuring Adolf Hitler but this material is not seen in the actual movie.

The Nazi zombies in this film are a combination of typical zombies in popular culture and ancient Norse mythical beings known as draug. A draug is a undead being who would (like a vampire) inhabit graves. They would often out of jealously live in the graves of important men as they often had treasures in them and protect these treasures as if they were their own.

Lord. I was born a Random Ramblings Man!!

Adolf Hitler’s long-lost collection of paintings discovered

I wonder if there were any paintings of happy little trees.

Matt Kenseth wins Daytona 500 after fire and rain

He turned left much faster and more times than anyone else.

So, they built this really awesome waterfall at the hospital where I work. The water goes over these rocks and it just flows and flows and…would you excuse me? I have to go pee.

1 in 3 Kids Drink Too Much Juice

It’s the 2 kids that put gin in their juice that I’m worried about.

Banker’s Insulting Waitress Tip Incites Class Warfare Between the 1% and the 99%

$1.33 on a $134.00 and some change meal. If foresight were 20/20 that was one huge lugie in that guys food.

Couple Lets Facebook Poll Decide Their Baby’s Name

I knew some folks that did that a few years ago. I heard that Doggystyle Anal Jones III is doing great.

Kim Dotcom to learn bail fate tomorrow

I really could care less. What I want to know is whether he was pissed that the moniker Kim Possible was taken.

Stars to celebrate Johnny Cash‘s 80th with concert

All joking aside, the man was, is and will always be a true legend.

Miranda Lambert questions Chris Brown performances at the Grammys

Miranda, I looked it up and found out that February 12, 2012 was Bring a Woman Beating Piece of Crap to the Grammy Awards day.

and finally…

JERSEY DEVIL finally captured in the Pine Barrens after nearly 300 years. See photo below. (Warning: Not suitable for children)

Take care and stay scared, everybody!

 

 

 

 

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