I think Megan Fox is a beautiful girl and a horrible actress. Sorry, Megan, but I like my women with talent.

Snooki and Gollum were seperated at birth. Gollum got all the beauty. Snooki got…Gollum got everything.

Would someone please tell Kate Gosselin that the fifteen minutes she should have never had in the first place are up?

I’m sorry Gary Coleman died. I was hoping him and Emmanuel Lewis would get together and rob a convenience store.

My wife says I can be a real asshole sometimes. No comment.

I have a German Shepherd, a terrier, an orange cat, a hamster and a tarantula. I like to put them together and have them act out scenes from The Hangover.

If I were a werewolf the first thing I would do is hump Rachael Ray’s leg. Then I would eat her. Get your minds out of the gutter.

I had a Tickle Me Elmo. It got a restraining order against me.

If you mix peas, corn and carrots you get succotash. Take out the carrots and you have porn.

I bet when Susan B. Anthony walked by a group of women they would say “I wonder who she slept with to get on a coin.”

A little kid playing in a sandbox has more imagination in his little finger than Michael Bay has in his entire body.

Oh, crap!! I just remembered I didn’t forward that letter to ten friends! That poor little kid!

Every time I hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger slept with his housekeeper I picture Consuela from Family Guy.

Do you realize that if the first woman had said to the first man “Let’s just cuddle” we probably wouldn’t be here. Oh, wait a minute. What guy has ever taken “Lets just cuddle” as a final answer.

My wife is right. I can be a real asshole sometimes. Oh well, somebody’s gotta do it.