From Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood and featuring Kane Hodder as Jason Voorhees:
A very short post for my final post of 2013. A question is what I ask.
You’re not a true fan of horror unless or until you’ve…
I await your answers.
Take care and stay scared.
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Directed and written by Chad Crawford Kinkle
You’re going to have to bear with me for this one; it’s going to take a lot of explaining. I shall begin at the beginning; we see a young girl, Ada (Lauren Ashley Carter, The Woman, Premium Rush) in a sexual liaison with a young man, Jessaby (Daniel Manche, The Girl Next Door, I Sell the Dead). Later, we find out that Ada has been chosen by Bodey (Mathieu Whitman) to be his wife and be the mother of his children. She just has to be pure, that is all. Refer to the part about her fornicating with Jessaby and you’ll have the answer to that one. What we haven’t found out up to this moment is that Jessaby is her brother. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are talking some backwoods shenanigans going on here.
Meanwhile, Dawai (Sean Bridgers, The Woman, Sweet Home Alabama), a simpleton, is spinning a jug out on his potter’s wheel. This is where it gets weird; as if incest wasn’t weird enough. There is a place called the Pit and there is a creature in the Pit that heals the people as long as it gets what it wants and what it wants is a sacrifice every now and then. The way the people know who to sacrifice to the pit is through Dawai; the Pit gives him a face and he makes a jug. Whoever’s face is on the jug is sacrificed to the Pit. This time the face on the Jug is Ada’s. Ada finds the jug and hides it; thereby angering the Pit. “The Pit wants what it wants”, she hears continually from Loriss (Sean Young, Blade Runner, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective) and Sustin (Larry Fessenden, Habit, We Are What We Are), her mother and the keeper of the Pit, respectively. Pretty soon Ada is seeing the smoky apparition of a boy and seeing through the Pit’s eyes who it intends to take until she comes forward and makes things right by taking her position as the next sacrifice. End of story; or at least as much as I am willing to tell you.
Aside from the incest and the strange religious beliefs of the backwoods characters in Jug Face, the thing that I found weirdest of all was that I actually liked the movie. I liked the flow of the film and the cadence of the speech of the characters. I liked the redneck drama and the subtle moments of gore when the Pit would take someone. Jug Face isn’t a classic film; hell, it’s not even a great movie. The plot of the film fills the movie nicely; but the length of Jug Face (81 Minutes) makes it seem more like an extended episode of a TV show than that of a motion picture. Still, the acting is good and we get to see a mini-reunion of actors who have appeared in films either based on books by Jack Ketchum (The Woman, The Girl Next Door) or directed by Lucky McKee (The Woman). Just for that fact alone raises my appreciation for Jug Face. If only it didn’t have that ‘incest is best, put your sister to the test’ thing going for it.
Potter and sculptor, Jason Mahlke, designed and created the Face Jugs for the film.
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Wolfman’s got nards!
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From The Legend of Boggy Creek and featuring Vern Stierman as the Narrator:
I was 7 years old when I first heard him scream. It scared me then and it scares me now.
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Please don’t scream. You’re so beautiful.
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FEEDING GROUNDS-United States-82 Mins. 2006
Directed by Junior Bonner
Written by Alex Ballar and Jamie Gannon
Dear Junior Bonner, Alex Ballar and Jamie Gannon, director and screenwriters, respectively, of Feeding Grounds,
Congratulations, you guys have made what I believe to be the first horror movie for hipster douche-bags. You even gave yourself starring roles and gave six more of your hipster douche-bag friends supporting roles. You took them out to the desert and you had them act all emotional over some unseen whatchamacallit that was stalking them or eating them or doing God knows what to them. What the hell was that thing and what the hell was it doing? Do you even know? Did you guys even bother writing a script or did you make this shit up as you went along. Don’t answer that, it’s okay. You still have the claim to fame of making the first horror movie for hipster douche-bags.
Wait a minute. What did I just say? Did I say ‘horror movie’? That can’t be right. In order for Feeding Grounds to be called a horror movie it has to have that one important element: horror. I watched the entire 82 minutes of this movie and I didn’t spot one iota of horror. All I saw were you, Jamie Gannon, as Marcus; and you, Alex Ballar, as Stephano wandering around the desert with the rest of the cast while Junior shot you as you said idiotic phrases and posed like the hipster morons that you all are. There was even this one scene where after one of you, I don’t remember who and I really don’t care, finds an ear and someone says, “What if they were murdered and tortured?” Was the script supervisor off the day that line was uttered? You torture, then you murder not the other way around. You should know this; you tortured me for 82 minutes.
I recently reviewed the ’80′s slasher flick Sorority House Massacre. I suggested that every copy of that film be buried deep in a hole in the desert far from humanity. After viewing Feeding Grounds I honestly think that hole needs to be a little bit deeper.
You owe me for 82 minutes of my life.
0 out of 5 Blood Drops
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It’s sad, when a mother has to speak the words that condemn her own son. But I couldn’t allow them to believe that I would commit murder. They’ll put him away now, as I should have years ago. He was always bad, and in the end he intended to tell them I killed those girls and that man… as if I could do anything but just sit and stare, like one of his stuffed birds. They know I can’t move a finger, and I won’t. I’ll just sit here and be quiet, just in case they do… suspect me. They’re probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am. I’m not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching… they’ll see. They’ll see and they’ll know, and they’ll say, “Why, she wouldn’t even harm a fly…”
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First I play with Judd, then mommy came, and I play with mommy. We play daddy, we had a awful good time! Now, I want to play with you…
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The spider spinning his web for the unwary fly. The blood is the life, Mr. Renfield.
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