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STRIPPERS VS. WEREWOLVES

STRIPPERS VS. WEREWOLVES-United Kingdom-2012

Strippers-v-WereWolves

Note: I couldn’t find a decent larger-sized photo from Strippers vs. Werewolves to save my life. However, I do believe the photographs that I found of the cast, in particular the female cast members, will serve as suitable replacements. This has been a public service announcement. Thank you.

Adele Silva as Justice. Of course there's a stripper named Justice.

Adele Silva as Justice. Of course there’s a stripper named Justice.

Ali Bastian as Dani. I bet the writers took a poll of the most popular stripper names. Strippers, poll; get it?

Ali Bastian as Dani. I bet the writers took a poll of the most popular stripper names. Strippers, poll; get it?

Barbara Nedeljakova as Raven. Seriously, her parents named her Raven. They're so proud.

Barbara Nedeljakova as Raven. Seriously, her parents named her Raven. They’re so proud.

Lucy Pinder as Carmilla. Okay, Carmilla is a cool stripper name. Nothing smart-ass to say here so let's move it along, folks.

Lucy Pinder as Carmilla. Okay, Carmilla is a cool stripper name. Nothing smart-ass to say here so let’s move it along, folks. Oh wait, I’m sorry; she doesn’t play a stripper. Never mind.

Steven Berkoff as Flett. Flett? Really?

Steven Berkoff as Flett. Flett? Really?

Robert Englund as Tapper. Tapper? What, "Freddy Krueger" was taken?

Robert Englund as Tapper. Tapper? What, “Freddy Krueger” was taken?

Directed by Jonathan Glendening

Screenplay by William Barron and Pat Higgins

What is it with strippers and supernatural creatures? First, there was Zombie Strippers (2008) which showed us that Jenna Jameson’s talent goes no further than taking her clothes off. Then there came Zombies vs. Strippers (2012). How original; just take the word “Zombie” and the word “Stripper” and flip it around and add a ‘vs.” in between the two. I didn’t see this one and something tells me I don’t want to. Let’s also not forget Zombies Zombies Zombies: Strippers vs. Zombies (2008). Anyway, we now come to Strippers vs. Werewolves; which may be my last post unless I can talk my wife into writing my posts based on my dictation. The reason being is that I may dig out my eyes with a spoon after seeing this debacle.

Let’s start with the plot. A stripper, Justice (Adele Silva, Doghouse) accidentally kills a guy who turns into a werewolf while she’s giving him a private dance. Her boss, Jeanette (Sarah DouglasSuperman II), seems to know a lot more about werewolves than the owner of a strip joint should know and tells her they have to get rid of the body before it’s too late and they’re all dead. It’s always too late in this type of film and pretty soon we have a battle going on between the strippers and the werewolves. That’s the plot. I heard the writer of The Kings Speech lost sleep over wishing that he had written Strippers vs. Werewolves.

Let’s cut this short. I shouldn’t have to waste a post on this poorly directed, horribly written, badly acted and laughably edited piece of garbage. Robert Englund (The Mangler), Steven Berkoff (Beverly Hills Cop), Barbara Nedeljakova (Hostel) and Sarah Douglas are wasted in this dung pile. Don’t even get me started on the werewolves. Basically the make-up guy called the gofer over and handed him fifty dollars and said. “Alright Skippy, what I want you to do is I want you to run down to the Spirit Store and get some of them fake werewolf ears and some of them fake werewolf hands and I want you to bring ‘em back here, alright? Make sure and get yourself something with the forty dollars you’ll have left over.” Strippers vs. Werewolves is the result of someone who took too many drugs and watched too much horror and porno movies. The result is a wet dream that tries to bite off its own leg in order to wake up from itself. Now, would someone please wake me up and tell me that it was all a horrible dream?

TRIVIA

Robert Englund’s character is incarcerated in HM Chaney Prison – a nod to original Wolfman star Lon Chaney Jr.

There’s an homage to An American Werewolf in London when a dart playing lycanthrope grumbles “you made me miss”.

Took a total of £38.00 at the (UK) box office when first released.

¼blood

About these ads

CANDY STRIPERS

CANDY STRIPERS-United States-2006

Deanna Brooks as Janine, Serria Tawan as Laurie and if any one knows who the blond on the right is please let me know as I can’t figure it out. Thank you very much.

Brian Lloyd as Matt

William Edwards, Jr. as Joey

Directed by Kate Robbins

Written by Kate Robbins and Jill Garson

I watched “Candy Stripers” at the suggestion of a friend who informed me that he was a stuntman in the film and that he had some considerable face time. Trust me, he does. If you watch the film you’ll see him as the guy that gets his arm broken before being unceremoniously tossed across the room by one of the alien nurses. I must admit I teared up a bit during that scene. Well, not really.

“Candy Stripers” is bad movie making at its best; or worst, depending on how you look at it. It goes beyond reviewing. So I thought I would share a couple of observations I wrote down while watching the film. Check it out:

1. In an early scene a girl dials 911 and before the phone even rings she shouts out “Ohmygodthere’sbeenanaccident.” This would indicate that she got an immediate answer. I have called 911 on a few occasions and have never gotten an immediate response. What was her secret? Does 911 have this girl on speed answer?

2. I work with nurses. They work long shifts and are on their feet constantly. Therefore they are not about to wear shoes that are of the type that Jenna Jameson or Tera Patrick would consider fashionable. It’s just not going to happen.

3. Telling a gorgeous nurse “Kiss me. I’m about to die” will not actually get you a kiss. If it did I would have tried it years ago.

4. The alien possessed nurses eat a ton of doughnuts, candy and sugar packets to sustain them. At the hospital where I work there is always candy of some kind near the nurse’s stations. Should I be worried?

5. Doctors do not spend their time seducing nurses and drinking Schnapps.

And finally…

6. If you do an image search for photos from “Candy Stripers” I must warn you that there was also a porno film with that same title. You may want to adjust your filter. But then again, maybe not.

If you like hot girls, nudity and ludicrous storytelling then Candy Stripers is the cure for what ails you. Otherwise, take two aspirin and stay at home.

Thank you.

NO TRIVIA

½

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS-United States-94 Mins. 2008

Jenna Jameson as Kat

Roxy Saint as Lilith

Robert Englund as Ian

Written and Directed by Jay Lee

You know how you can tell that you’re a true, bona fide hardcore horror fan? It’s deceptively easy, really. It’s Friday night; you’re bored, you got no girlfriend (maybe because you live in your parent’s basement) and you’ve got nothing to do. So, you get a bright idea. You think “Hey! I’m going to go to the video store!” So you go, and you’re looking through the horror film section and all of a sudden you come upon a film with the most enticing of titles: ZOMBIE STRIPPERS. You grab it from off the shelf and you draw in a deep breath and you say, out loud, “ALL RIGHT!!! ZOMBIES!!! Then you look even further and you see that it stars JENNA JAMESON and ROBERT ENGLUND. Well, Katy bars the door because you have just become about as happy as Rosie O’Donnell at a discount carpet store. This movie has got ROBERT FREAKIN’ ENGLUND in it. Oh wait, what’s it about? You look at the back of the cover…military…experiment gone wrong…strippers turning into zombies…yada yada yada…Jenna Jameson. Yes, oh yes, Jenna Jameson plays a stripper in this movie. Ladies and gentleman, the award for biggest acting stretch goes to…oh, who gives a shit about Jenna Jameson? You can see her munching on all sorts of body parts if you do the right Google search. Incidentally, have you got a good look at her lately? I can assure you that they didn’t have to use much makeup to turn her into a zombie. But may I remind you once again that this movie has got ROBERT FREAKIN’ ENGLUND in it!! You put it under your hairy little arm, walk to the counter, slap down your rental card and your cash and bing, boom, bam you are out the door and on your way home to watch Zombies and that guy that played Freddy Krueger. What was his name again? Let me think…oh yeah, ROBERT FREAKIN’ ENGLUND!

By the way, for those of you who aren’t bona fide hardcore horror fans; this movie has strippers in it. Jenna Jameson is in it, too. She gets naked. Yeah.

TRIVIA

The story is allegedly inspired by Eugène Ionesco‘s allegorical play “Rhinoceros”, in which citizens of a small French village inexplicably turn into the titular animals one by one. As a nod to this literary source, Robert Englund’s character is named “Ian Essko”.

LA-based recording artist Roxy Saint, who plays Lillith in the movie, also provides several of the songs on the film’s soundtrack, including Don’t Kill The Star, Bad Guy, and most noticeably Smother You, which is used both during Jenna Jameson/Kat’s first post-death strip scene, and over the end credits of the movie.
The name of the strip club is “Rhino’s” both a pun on the real life “Spearmint Rhino” and the book “Rhinocerous”.

One of Those Days

One of Those Days

Do you ever have one of those days where you just don’t know what you want to say about anything? I have. I’m having one now. I start to write a sentence only to delete it a few seconds later. Maybe I want it to be just right or maybe I want to seem to have a little idea of what the hell I’m talking about.

So far today I have begun to write about how I feel that the WWE has killed the art of true professional wrestling. I just couldn’t find the words to say that guys like John Cena, Randy Orton and women like Kelly Kelly and the Bella Twins are nothing more than beefcake and eye candy. Today’s average wrestling fan wouldn’t know a figure-four leg-lock from a figure eight. The ‘wrestlers’ today are cartoon characters come to life in order to sell merchandise. Andre the Giant didn’t need an action figure. Wahoo McDaniel didn’t need a catch phrase. I can see you, John Cena, I just don’t want to. I smell what the Rock is cooking’ and it smells like shit.

If only this were true.

I was also going to write about how I feel that pornography takes the passion out of a relationship. I’m not going to lie, I have looked at pornography. Who hasn’t at one time or another? I know that there are people who say that watching porn helps them with their love life. I tend to disagree. How can you be passionate with your wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend when you’ve got Jenna Jameson being screwed a million ways to Sunday running through your mind? That’s not passion for your spouse; that’s lust for something you’re never going to have.

Never gonna have her, guys.

Oh and I was also going to write about how a lot of kids today are rude little bastards. I can not tell you how many times I have been in Wal-mart late at night and nearly had my foot amputated by some impolite stock boy with a pallet jack. Do they say ‘excuse me’? Hell, no. I feel like getting some fake toes that squirt blood and whenever one of them flies by me tossing the toes out and screaming bloody murder with my bloody toes lying on the floor. It’s not just the stock boys, its kids in general. But do you blame the kids? I don’t. I blame the parents. If you are a parent and you have taught your kids manners, then my hat is off to you. That means I’m not talking about your kid. However, if you are the parent of that little mutation that nearly severed my foot without a word of ‘excuses me’ then I think you need to grab the little bugger by the hair and teach him some manners. Who knows, you might learn some yourself.

“It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.”-Abraham Lincoln. Wow, I was thinking the same thing about Kim Kardashian. She decides to put her two cents in about the Casey Anthony trial. She tweeted “What crazy testimony today! Casey’s mom says one thing & her son says the opposite! Someone is lying here!” Hey Kim, they’re remaking Plan Nine from Outer Space and they need someone to say “But one thing’s sure. Inspector Clay is dead, murdered, and somebody’s responsible.” Think you’re up for it?

Kim!! Shh!! Don’t speak, Ever, Again.

Yep, I just can’t think of anything to say.

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