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BIG ASS SPIDER-United States-80 Mins. 2013


Greg Grunberg as Alex Mathis in Big Ass Spider

Greg Grunberg as Alex Mathis in Big Ass Spider!

Clare Kramer as Lieutenant Karly Brant in Big Ass Spider

Clare Kramer as Lieutenant Karly Brant in Big Ass Spider!

Lombardo Boyar (left) as Jose Ramos in Big Ass Spider!

Lombardo Boyar (left) as Jose Ramos in Big Ass Spider!

Ray Wise as Major Braxton Tanner in Big Ass Spider!

Ray Wise as Major Braxton Tanner in Big Ass Spider!

Big Ass Spider as Big Ass Spider in Big Ass Spider!

Big Ass Spider as Big Ass Spider in Big Ass Spider!

Directed by Mike Mendez

Written by Gregory Gieras

As a critic I’m supposed to point out all the things that are wrong with a movie like Big Ass Spider!, but where’s the fun in that? I didn’t watch Big Ass Spider! with the intention of ripping it a new spinneret (that’s asshole in spider talk); I watched it with the intention of having fun and laughing and that is exactly what I did. If you watch this movie and think that it’s stupid and a waste of your time then you may have to check yourself for a sense of humor. Big Ass Spider! is Big Ass Fun! and that’s all there is to it.

Greg Grunberg is light on his feet and funny as hell as exterminator Alex Mathis. “Spiders happen to be my specialty. I become a spider to catch a spider”, he says;  making a Lecteresque sound to make his point and to let the viewer know that this is going to be one odd movie. But as funny and in on the joke as Grunberg is, he doesn’t hold a candle to Lombardo Boyar as Jose Ramos, security guard and impromptu assistant to Alex. “I will be the Robin to your Batman…the Tonto to your Lone Ranger…the John Oates to your Daryl Hall!” It’s no surprise that Boyar steals every scene that he’s in.

The major point that director Mike Mendez and writer Gregory Gieras are aware of is that if you’re going to make a movie about a Big Ass Spider! terrorizing Los Angeles then you are going to need a girl for Alex, our hero, to save. That girl is Clare Kramer as the sexy (yet determined) Lieutenant Karly Brant; blonde, beautiful, tough and kissable. She’s the right hand man-er-woman to General Braxton Tanner (is that a name with titanium balls or what?), played by Ray Wise in what may be his most scenery chewing role to date.

Big Ass Spider! is filled with inside jokes; some of which I caught and some which I didn’t. I noticed references to Aliens, Cloverfield (I think), and King Kong (of course) as well as pokes at a few viral internet sensations of the past few years (“Hide yo wife, hide yo kids ’cause there’s a Big Ass Spider! on the loose!”). I’m sure that there are tons more; maybe someone with a sharper eye than mine can tell me what they are.

The bottom line is that Big Ass Spider! is a laughable love letter to giant monster movies. It never once takes itself seriously and neither should you. In fact, if you can’t sit back and laugh at Big Ass Spider! then you may need a swift kick in the ass (that’s spinneret in human talk).


As one of many inside jokes, producers Shaked Berenson and Patrick Ewald doubled for lead actors Greg Grunberg and Lombardo Boyar. Three of these shots ended up used in the final movie.

Character ‘Handsome Jogger’ was replaced last minute to a cameo by legendary Lloyd Kaufman who was visiting Los Angeles at the time.

If you buy Big Ass Spider! at Walmart be forewarned: you may have to look for it under the title BIGGEST SPIDER! with the A-S-S overlapped by G-E-S-T. Apparently Walmart doesn’t like anatomical references.


Greg Grunberg also appears in Hollow Man and Star Trek.

Lombardo Boyar also appears in Gone in 60 Seconds and Gia.

Clare Kramer also appears in Bring It On and The Rules of Attraction.

Ray Wise also appears in Robocop and Jeepers Creepers 2.

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SHARKNADO-United States-86 Mins. 2013


Tara Reid as April Wexler in Sharknado

Tara Reid as April Wexler in Sharknado

Ian Ziering as Fin Shepard in Sharknado

Ian Ziering as Fin Shepard in Sharknado

John Heard as George in Sharknado

John Heard as George in Sharknado

Cassie Scerbo as Nova Clarke in Sharknado

Cassie Scerbo as Nova Clarke in Sharknado

Jaason Simmons as Baz Hogan in Sharknado

Jaason Simmons as Baz Hogan in Sharknado

Lots and lots of sharks as Themselves in Sharknado

Lots and lots of sharks as Themselves in Sharknado

Even more lots and lots of sharks as Themselves in Sharknado

Even more lots and lots of sharks as Themselves in Sharknado

I just want to wish my extended blogging family a Merry Christmas and the Happiest of New Years. It has been amazing getting to know a small part of each and every one of you. Thank you.

Directed by Anthony C. Ferrante

Written by Thunder Levin

I’ll admit without hesitation that I was going to give Sharknado a low rating before I watched it. I knew that it would be a bad movie going in and I wasn’t disappointed. So why, pray tell, am I giving it a rating of 4 (out of a possible 5) Blood Drops if it’s such a bad movie? I’ll tell you why; it’s because Sharknado is a bad movie that doesn’t pretend to be anything else but. It wallows like a prize-winning hog in the slop that it creates for itself and it does it with gusto! It’s illogical, implausible, poorly written, badly acted, atrociously directed and it says “Hey, look at me!” every step of the way.

A freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles and pushes thousands of sharks onto shore and into the streets to wreak havoc on the cozy and unsuspecting citizens whose idea of a bad day is running out of suntan oil. Ian Ziering (Snake and Mongoose, That’s My Boy) is Fin Shepard (A name I couldn’t make up on my best day), a former Coast Guard and now bartender/surfer who is now in a desperate race to get to his estranged wife April (Tara Reid, Urban Legend, The Big Lebowski) and their children and get them someplace safe before the Weather Girls start singing “It’s Raining Sharks”. He’s a better man than I; I would have just let the sharks have my ex-wife; they would’ve spit her out anyway. With three tornadoes full of hungry sharks soon to hit, Fin and his friends  Baz Hogan (Jaason Simmons, Baywatch, Ghost Rig), Nova Clarke (Cassie Scerbo, Bring It On: In It to Win It, Teen Spirit) and George* (John Heard, Home Alone, Cutter’s Way) devise a plan to rid L.A. of Sharknado before the shark-shit hits the fan.

As bad as Sharknado is I can’t find fault with it. Any film that rips off Jaws and every disaster movie ever made is a winner in my book. Sharknado even features Robbie Rist (remember Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch?) as a hapless school bus driver. Ian Ziering has no idea what facial expression to use throughout the film and Tara Reid looks clueless, period. As for the sharks and their performances:


*George doesn’t have a last name. What does that tell you?


Actor Cory Monteith’s final tweet was about this film days before he died from a drug overdose.

Robbie Rist, who plays Robbie the bus driver, also co-wrote a handful of songs that are featured on the soundtrack.

The school bus sequence was filmed over several days at the 6th street bridge,in downtown LA. While a stunt double was used for certain shots,Ian Ziering did a lot of his own rappelling stunts.




She began life as Cassandra Peterson on September 17, 1951 in Manhattan, Kansas. After taking the advice of Elvis Presley she traveled to Europe where she began a career as a singer and an actress and even had a role in Federico Fellini‘s Fellini’s Roma (originally Roma). She even fronted her own Italian rock band.

She returned to America and toured the country as star of her musical comedy show “Mama’s Boy’s. Settling in Hollywood, she spent four and a half years as a part of L.A.’s foremost improvisational group, The Groundlings. In 1981 she auditioned for the role of a horror hostess for a local Los Angeles TV station. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark was born and the rest, as they say, is Scream Queen History.

A comment from a fellow blogger reminded me that I have been long overdue in featuring Elvira as Scream Queen of the Month. Allow me to remedy that; on the same month as her birth allow me to introduce to you the Scream Queen of the Month for September, 2013: ELVIRA, MISTRESS OF THE DARK!!


Big fan of Vincent Price, Roger Corman and Edward D. Wood Jr..

#1 of Sci-Fi’s Sexiest B-Queens, by Femme Fatales magazine. [1997]

Pentagon named a Stealth computer system “Elvira” inspired by her.

Was scalded by boiling water when she was five years old. Underwent seventeen skin grafting operations over the course of her childhood to repair the scar tissue. Now covers some of her remaining scars (around neck and shoulders) with make-up or clothing.


Maila Nurmi, the original Vampira, unsuccessfully tried to sue Cassandra Peterson for stealing her act.

Inducted into the Horror Host Hall of Fame in 2012, as her character Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.

Although she has appeared in nude layouts, she has never appeared nude as the Elvira character.


“At least I get my little black dress cleaned once in a while.” (In 1998, reacting to being told that Monica Lewinsky liked to compare herself to Elvira)

 “I was your typical struggling actress. I went to every audition, took a million acting, dancing and singing lessons, and spent years wondering where my next meal was coming from.”


Okay, that has to be one of the worst titles of a blog post in the history of blog posts. Not only is it a juvenile play on words (“poll” “pole”, get it?), but it only makes sense if you know who Deborah Ann Woll is (she plays the vampire Jessica on HBO’s True Blood) and if I have to explain it to you that just totally ruins it.

Deborah Ann Woll

Deborah Ann Woll



Anyway, I have a new poll for you all to participate in. Written in Blood is as it’s title suggests a horror film blog. With the exception of a handful of non-genre films, I’ve reviewed nothing but horror films since I started over two years ago. This leads to my poll question: should I stick to strictly reviewing horror films; or should I branch out and review non-genre films on a more regular basis?

Vote below. I look forward to hearing from you. I just hope you forgive me for that horrible post title.


WONDERLAND-United States/Canada-2003


Val Kilmer as John Holmes

Val Kilmer as John Holmes

Kate Bosworth as Dawn Schiller

Kate Bosworth as Dawn Schiller

Lisa Kudrow as Sharon Holmes

Lisa Kudrow as Sharon Holmes

Josh Lucas as Ron Launius

Josh Lucas as Ron Launius

Tim Blake Nelson (L) as Billy Deverall

Tim Blake Nelson (L) as Billy Deverall

Dylan McDermott as David Lind

Dylan McDermott as David Lind

Christina Applegate as Susan Launius

Christina Applegate as Susan Launius

Eric Bogosian as Eddie Nash

Eric Bogosian as Eddie Nash

Carrie Fisher as Sally Hansen

Carrie Fisher as Sally Hansen

Franky G. as Louis Cruz

Franky G. as Louis Cruz

M.C. Gainey as Billy Ward

M.C. Gainey as Billy Ward

Janeane Garofalo as Joy Miller

Janeane Garofalo as Joy Miller

Ted Levine as Sam Nico

Ted Levine as Sam Nico

Faizon Love as Greg Diles (Image not from film)

Faizon Love as Greg Diles (Image not from film)

Natasha Gregson Wagner as Barbara Richardson

Natasha Gregson Wagner as Barbara Richardson

Directed by James Cox

Written by James Cox, Captain Mauzner, Todd Samovitz and D. Loriston Scott

The film Wonderland is an account of the Wonderland or Laurel Canyon Murders, whichever name you prefer to attach to them, which occurred at 8763 Wonderland Avenue (3768 in the film) in the Laurel Canyon district of Los Angeles on July 1, 1981. The victims were Joy Audrey Gold Miller (Janeane Garofalo, RatatouilleDogma), her boyfriend William ‘Billy’ Deverall (Tim Blake Nelson, O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Lincoln), Ronald ‘Ron’ Launius (Josh Lucas, HulkPoseidon) and Barbara Richardson (Natasha Gregson Wagner, Urban LegendHigh Fidelity). The four of them had been bludgeoned to death with a striated lead pipe. A fifth victim, Susan Launius (Christina Applegate, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron BurgundyHall Pass) survived albeit with serious injuries. It is believed that the murders were in retaliation for a robbery that took place at the home of Eddie Nash (Eric Bogosian, Talk Radioand Cadillac Records), a drug dealer and the owner of several nightclubs in the Los Angeles area. Knowing who the victims were and knowing that Eddie Nash was at least indirectly involved leads us to now ask one important question: what does a quadruple homicide and a drug dealer have to do with porn star John Holmes?

We all know the legend of John Holmes aka Johnny Wadd. He slept with over 14,000 women. He had a 10 inch or 12 inch or 13½ inch penis according to whoever’s talking about it and how far they want to pull out the tape measure. We know that he died of complications from the AIDS virus in March, 1988. We know that before he died that he was afraid that his famous ‘appendage’ would be cut off and pickled as a conversation piece on some douchebag’s curio shelf after he was dead and gone. The thing that we are still not sure of is whether or not John Holmes was a murderer.

The film tells the tale of the murders from two different viewpoints. The first, from David Lind (McDermott, American Horror Story, The Perks of Being a Wallflower) paints Holmes as a scumbag that sells his friends out after being slighted in his take of the Nash robbery. The second viewpoint is from Holmes himself who paints Lind as a liar who could not be believed about anything. John Holmes is guilty, John Holmes is innocent; Wonderland lets you form your own opinion.

Val Kilmer (Heat, Tombstone) is great in the role of Holmes. This was when he could be trusted to give a great performance; although I think the haircut was a bit too reminiscent of his role as Jim Morrison in The Doors. Also, let’s face it; compared to the real life John Holmes, Kilmer is an Adonis. If it weren’t for having a super-sized weed-whacker the dude would have never gotten a date. As for Kate Bosworth, she’s seriously miscast as Holmes’ girlfriend, Dawn Schiller. She looks lost in every scene as if she has no idea why she’s there.

“Um, Mr. Director, What’s my motivation?”

“You’re the drug addicted whore girlfriend of a porn star with a really big schlong. That’s your motivation.”

“Oh. Okay!!”

The best performance in the film comes from Lisa Kudrow (Easy A, Analyze This) as Holmes’ estranged wife, Sharon. She knows Holmes is a user and wants nothing to do with him; her frustration every time he shows up at her doorstep is heartbreaking to see.

Is Wonderland a good movie? Yes. Does it give us the answer to the questions we’ve been asking all these years? No; but only because the answers aren’t there to begin with. My personal opinion is that Holmes was as guilty as his dick was long. If he wasn’t at the scene of the crime with a lead pipe in his hands then he knew exactly what was going on and didn’t do a fucking thing to stop it. I believe that the man was scum and that a big cock and a bunch of porn credits aren’t going to do anything to change that. You may not agree with my opinion, and you may not want to hear it; but it’s mine and I’m giving it to you anyway.


The film is based on the incident known as either the Laurel Canyon Murders or the Wonderland Murder Case that actually happened in the Hollywood Hills section of Los Angeles in July, 1981.

When the film played the Toronto Film Festival, one of the promotional items handed out was a ruler that was 13 1/2 inches long.

The actual police investigation tape of the crime scene is included as a special feature in the DVD release of the film.

Christina Applegate grew up near the site of the Wonderland murders and remembers seeing the bloody mattresses on the street, which led to her agreeing to take a relatively small role in the film.

In the movie, Val Kilmer (as John Holmes) wears a chain around his neck that holds a ring. The ring is was the actual wedding band that John Holmes gave his wife, Sharon, when they got married in 1965. Sharon loaned it to Val to give him good luck on the movie. When the movie was over, Sharon then gave the ring to Dawn Schiller.

In the real life story, John did not call Eddie Nash after the robbery at his place. Rather, John was spotted by some of Nash’s associates in Hollywood. They noticed that John was wearing some of the jewelry that was stolen in the robbery and told Nash about it. John was then accosted by two gunmen who then took him to Nash for questioning.

The movie did not portray that, while John was being beaten up at Nash’s house,Liberace’s lover, Scott Thorson, was present. It was his testimony that eventually led to the indictment of Eddie Nash by federal authorities.





What we have here is a glaring example of a Scream Queen who has only appeared in two horror films; those being House of Wax (2005) and Captivity (2007). What we also have is a glaring example of who cares, she’s hot!! Indeed she is, ladies and gentlemen and boys and girls of all ages. The lovely Miss Cuthbert was born on November 30, 1982 in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. She made her first appearance on the series Are You Afraid of the Dark? (1996) on the Nickelodeon channel. She was the host of Popular Mechanics for Kids (1997) for three years. She also won the Gemini Award (the Canadian Emmy) for her performance in the TV movie Lucky Girl (2001). She moved to Los Angeles at age 17 and landed her breakthrough role as Kim Bauer, the daughter of Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) on the popular series 24 (2001). Elisha has appeared in the films Old School (2003) with Will Ferrell; Love Actually (2003) with Colin Firth; and The Girl Next Door (2004) with Emile Hirsch.

If you’re Canadian, and your flag is raised, then wave it proudly as we welcome our January 2013 Scream Queen of the Month, Elisha Cuthbert!


While trotting the globe as a correspondent for the award-winning series “Popular Mechanics for Kids” (1997), she caught the eye of First LadyHillary Rodham Clinton and was invited to Washington for a meeting with her.

She left Canada at the age of 17 to move to Los Angeles, California to pursue an acting career. Had a deadline of 6 weeks. By the end of the 5th week was given the role of Kimberley Bauer on Fox’s “24″ (2001).

Auditioned but lost the lead role to Kirsten Dunst in Spider-Man (2002).


“I don’t ever want to be doing the same sort of thing, I never want to be typecast, because I have way too much to give to be sort of, to always be the hot chick in the movie.” (Referring to The Girl Next Door (2004)).

“I’m very mellow. I think if I hadn’t become an actress, I would’ve lived the simple life. You know, get married and sit on my porch.”

“I’m a huge fan of video games and comic books. I’m not die-hard or anything, but I definitely appreciate the art in it, which is really cool.”

 *Okay, that was bad.

**I should stop.


Note-Starting this week and continuing through the month of October I will be featuring a Scream Queen of the Week. Any girl with a pretty face and a hot body can star in one or two fright flicks over the course of their careers and each and every one of them owes a debt of gratitude to the four women who will be featured here in the next four weeks. These women have starred in so many horror films between them that when you look at their respective films the list is so long that the scroll bar on your computer gets really small. These ladies have been in everything from Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama to Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. They are bold, brassy and bad-ass; but more than anything else they are beautiful. So without further ado let’s meet our first Scream Queen of the Week!


Linnea Barbara Quigley was born on May 27, 1958 in Davenport, Iowa. According to Wikipedia, that all-knowing Wizard of the World Wide Web, she moved to Los Angeles in the 1970’s to pursue her dream of becoming an actress. Miss Quigley has appeared in well over one hundred films including The Return of the Living Dead, Night of the Demons, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Nightmare Sisters, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama and A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. The list goes on and on and shows no signs of stopping as she has four films either filming or in post-production for 2012. It is with great pleasure that I present to you Miss Linnea Quigley, Scream Queen of the Week for October 1st-5th!



Was married to make-up artist Steve Johnson (The Fog, An American Werewolf in London, Blade II) from 1990-1992.

Was once in a band called “The Skirts,” an all-girl band.

Appears at horror conventions several times a year to meet her fans.

Long-time friends with fellow B-movie actresses Brinke Stevens and Michelle Bauer, whom she has worked with for years.


You have more say on a low-budget film. You don’t have a million people telling you what to do.

 As I’ve done more and more films, I find that they sometimes impose nudity in certain scenes where I really don’t want to do it. There should be some kind of restraint on love scenes. I love to watch them when they’re nicely shot, but don’t necessarily show a lot. You can show just a little bit and still get the idea.

My favorites, selected from my own movies, are Savage Streets (1984), The Return of the Living Dead (1985) and Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers(1988). One of the differences between my association with horror films and scream queens of past generations is that I don’t faint as much.


BLACULA-United States-1972

William Marshall as Prince Mamuwalde/Blacula

Denise Nicholas as Michelle

Vonetta Mcgee as Tina

Thalmus Rasulala as Dr. Gordon Thomas

Charles Macaulay as Dracula

Directed by William Crain

Screenplay by Joan Torres and Raymond Koenig

In Transylvania of 1780 Prince Mamuwalde (William Marshall, “Honky”, “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse”) is cursed by Count Dracula to become one of the undead, a vampire like himself. In Los Angeles of 1972, the prince is loose on the streets of downtown Los Angeles. Meeting Tina (Vonetta McGee, “The Eiger Sanction”, “Shaft in Africa”), Mamuwalde believes her to be the reincarnation of his beloved bride, Luna. Dr. Thomas, Tina’s friend, suspects that a vampire is terrorizing the city after discovering that several victims had been drained of blood. Can Thomas and the police stop Mamuwalde before Tina is lost to them forever?

I remember when “Blacula” was released in 1972. I remember because it was one of those movies that, in their infinite wisdom, my parents would not allow me to see. All I could do was listen helplessly as my friends, or at least the ones with cooler parents than my own, would tell me all about the movie and pique my curiosity even more. Cut to 2012 and 40 years later I finally was able to see the movie. I must say that I was a little bit…underwhelmed.

“Blacula” has been hailed as a horrifying addition to the vampire genre and I can only say that I found it to be a bit bland. The film is practically bloodless for a vampire film and the acting, save for that of William Marshall as the titular character, and Thalmus Rasulala (“Cornbread, Earl and Me” “New Jack City”) as Dr. Thomas, leaves a lot to be desired. The production has a TV movie quality to itself and I see no reason why it was released to theaters. “Blacula” is a disappointing addition to the vampire and the Blaxploitation genres.


The group performing in the club is The Hues Corporation.

Film debut of Denise Nicholas’.

While the film was in its production stages, William Marshall worked with the producers to make sure his character had some dignity. His character’s name was changed from Andrew Brown to Mamuwalde and received a background story about his being an African prince who had been turned into a vampire.


THE ENTITY-United States-1982

Barbara Hershey as Carla Moran

Ron Silver as Dr. Sneiderman

Directed by Sidney J. Furie

Screenplay by Frank DeFelitta

Based on the novel by Frank DeFelitta

It’s bad enough when you’re a woman to not be able to fight back when you’re sexually assaulted. The assailant, full of anger and rage, sees you as nothing but an object, an end to his means. Fueled by that anger and rage, he forces himself on you, pushing onto you and driving you open with unchecked strength and power as he takes from you what he wants. I’m not even going to pretend to know what that’s like. I’m not a woman; I’ve never been raped nor have I ever raped anyone. I couldn’t imagine doing that to any woman. But I can imagine the helplessness of the situation. I felt that helplessness for Carla Moran, the young woman repeatedly raped and assaulted by an unseen force in The Entity. I felt for this woman. To be raped by some drunken, smelly excuse for a man is bad enough. At least you can get a description. Carla Moran could barely get anyone to believe her; even after her children, her best friend and her boyfriend witness the attacks. That’s the thing I found scariest about this film; her complete helplessness to combat this force and drive it away from her life.

The Entity is based on a novel by Frank DeFelitta. DeFelitta in turn based the novel on the real life Carla Moran and her case of demonic sexual assault in Los Angeles in 1976. At the end of the film, after the final scene, a scrolling marquee tells you that she lives in Dallas, Texas and is still assaulted to this day (the film was released in 1982). I felt for Carla Moran as I watched the film. I was scared for her and I pitied her. There are moments in the film where I felt a chill run down my spine and a feeling of dread would come over me. Not even her own house was safe haven for this woman.

If I had watched the film when it was first released, I don’t think I would have appreciated it. There’s no blood, no gore, no masked man with a machete. But there is fear, helplessness and utter dread. To be honest, I’ll take my chances with the guy with the machete.


The real-life Carla Moran’s teenage son described a particularly vicious attack in which Carla was thrown by the malevolent force and hit her head. He tried to intervene, but he was also thrown, breaking his arm. In the filming of the movie, the actor playing the son broke his arm in that scene, and the curtains tore from top to bottom without explanation.

Robert MacNaughton auditioned for a role for this film, after being asked because the casting director saw him in an off-Broadway play, in New York.

For the scenes where the entity disturbs Carla Moran by touching her, the visual effects team designed a hot air stream’s system, pretending fingers that “touch” her body.


ZOMBIE STRIPPERS-United States-94 Mins. 2008

Jenna Jameson as Kat

Roxy Saint as Lilith

Robert Englund as Ian

Written and Directed by Jay Lee

You know how you can tell that you’re a true, bona fide hardcore horror fan? It’s deceptively easy, really. It’s Friday night; you’re bored, you got no girlfriend (maybe because you live in your parent’s basement) and you’ve got nothing to do. So, you get a bright idea. You think “Hey! I’m going to go to the video store!” So you go, and you’re looking through the horror film section and all of a sudden you come upon a film with the most enticing of titles: ZOMBIE STRIPPERS. You grab it from off the shelf and you draw in a deep breath and you say, out loud, “ALL RIGHT!!! ZOMBIES!!! Then you look even further and you see that it stars JENNA JAMESON and ROBERT ENGLUND. Well, Katy bars the door because you have just become about as happy as Rosie O’Donnell at a discount carpet store. This movie has got ROBERT FREAKIN’ ENGLUND in it. Oh wait, what’s it about? You look at the back of the cover…military…experiment gone wrong…strippers turning into zombies…yada yada yada…Jenna Jameson. Yes, oh yes, Jenna Jameson plays a stripper in this movie. Ladies and gentleman, the award for biggest acting stretch goes to…oh, who gives a shit about Jenna Jameson? You can see her munching on all sorts of body parts if you do the right Google search. Incidentally, have you got a good look at her lately? I can assure you that they didn’t have to use much makeup to turn her into a zombie. But may I remind you once again that this movie has got ROBERT FREAKIN’ ENGLUND in it!! You put it under your hairy little arm, walk to the counter, slap down your rental card and your cash and bing, boom, bam you are out the door and on your way home to watch Zombies and that guy that played Freddy Krueger. What was his name again? Let me think…oh yeah, ROBERT FREAKIN’ ENGLUND!

By the way, for those of you who aren’t bona fide hardcore horror fans; this movie has strippers in it. Jenna Jameson is in it, too. She gets naked. Yeah.


The story is allegedly inspired by Eugène Ionesco‘s allegorical play “Rhinoceros”, in which citizens of a small French village inexplicably turn into the titular animals one by one. As a nod to this literary source, Robert Englund’s character is named “Ian Essko”.

LA-based recording artist Roxy Saint, who plays Lillith in the movie, also provides several of the songs on the film’s soundtrack, including Don’t Kill The Star, Bad Guy, and most noticeably Smother You, which is used both during Jenna Jameson/Kat’s first post-death strip scene, and over the end credits of the movie.
The name of the strip club is “Rhino’s” both a pun on the real life “Spearmint Rhino” and the book “Rhinocerous”.

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