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SNOW BEAST

SNOW BEAST-United States-88 Mins. 2011

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John Schneider as Jim Harwood

John Schneider as Jim Harwood

Jason London as Barry

Jason London as Barry

Directed by Brian Bough

Written by Brittany Wiscombe

I loved Jaws, both the book and the movie. What’s not to like about it? A monstrous great white shark terrorizes an idyllic fishing and vacation spot and is dispatched by three brave men who have no idea what they are truly getting themselves into. There’s opposition from the higher-ups i.e. the mayor. “You can’t close the beach; people will go somewhere else for their summer fun”, he says. But alas, our brave trio presses on. Perseverance in the face of human and natural adversity; you’ve got to love it.

That doesn’t mean that you have to love the countless films that have ripped off the premise of Jaws in some way, shape or form since the year of its release in 1975. There have been films about killer bears (Grizzly), killer volcanoes (Dante’s Peak; you will never convince me that this film is not Jaws with lava); even The Relic riffs, and rips, from that damn shark movie. Then, there is Snow Beast.

There have actually been two films with this title. The first starred Bo Svenson and Yvette Mimieux  from 1977. The first film played off of Jaws rather effectively and was kind of fun for a low-budget TV movie. The 2011 remake, the film reviewed here, is not.  John Schneider (Eddie Macon’s Run, Smallville) and his team of researchers are studying the behavior patterns of the Canadian lynx when they encounter a Yeti-like creature and find themselves in a struggle for survival. People die because they do stupid things such as go off by themselves; and there is a subplot between Jim (Schneider) and his teenage daughter Emmy (Danielle ChuchranMinor Details), who conveniently comes along on the job. The beast itself looks like the result of a sexual union between Andre the Giant and a polar bear. It attacks with the ferocity of a pee wee league football player and it runs like an anally raped moose. Wait, did I mention that Jason London (Dazed and Confused) is in this movie? He is…for maybe five minutes of screen time. Amazingly, he gets second billing; which goes to show that no one will know, or give a crap, about the rest of the cast.

There’s a bottom line to be drawn here; and that bottom line is that there is nothing to fear or to recommend about this particular Snow Beast.

NO TRIVIA

½blood

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FEEDING GROUNDS

FEEDING GROUNDS-United States-82 Mins. 2006

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Alex Ballar as Stephano (Image not from film)

Alex Ballar as Stephano (Image not from film)

Jamie Gannon as Marcus (Image not from film)

Jamie Gannon as Marcus (Image not from film)

Directed by Junior Bonner

Written by Alex Ballar and Jamie Gannon

Dear Junior Bonner, Alex Ballar and Jamie Gannon, director and screenwriters, respectively, of Feeding Grounds,

Congratulations, you guys have made what I believe to be the first horror movie for hipster douche-bags. You even gave yourself starring roles and gave six more of your hipster douche-bag friends supporting roles. You took them out to the desert and you had them act all emotional over some unseen whatchamacallit that was stalking them or eating them or doing God knows what to them. What the hell was that thing and what the hell was it doing? Do you even know? Did you guys even bother writing a script or did you make this shit up as you went along. Don’t answer that, it’s okay. You still have the claim to fame of making the first horror movie for hipster douche-bags.

Wait a minute. What did I just say? Did I say ‘horror movie’? That can’t be right. In order for Feeding Grounds to be called a horror movie it has to have that one important element: horror. I watched the entire 82 minutes of this movie and I didn’t spot one iota of horror. All I saw were you, Jamie Gannon, as Marcus; and you, Alex Ballar, as Stephano wandering around the desert with the rest of the cast while Junior shot you as you said idiotic phrases and posed like the hipster morons that you all are. There was even this one scene where after one of you, I don’t remember who and I really don’t care, finds an ear and someone says, “What if they were murdered and tortured?” Was the script supervisor off the day that line was uttered? You torture, then you murder not the other way around. You should know this; you tortured me for 82 minutes.

I recently reviewed the ’80′s slasher flick Sorority House Massacre. I suggested that every copy of that film be buried deep in a hole in the desert far from humanity. After viewing Feeding Grounds I honestly think that hole needs to be a little bit deeper.

Sincerely,

John

PS,

You owe me for 82 minutes of my life.

NO TRIVIA

0 out of 5 Blood Drops

What’s Their Best Author Showdown Film? A Poll for You to Ponder and Participate

Here I am again with another poll for you all to take part in. As you know, I feature the Scream Queen of the Month as a regular monthly feature; and the Semi-Daily Horror Movie Quote of the Day as a somewhat regular weekly feature. For a while I was also also featuring two other installments; one of which I would like to bring back. The installments were:

1. Author Showdown

I took two authors, listed their major bodies of work and asked you, the readers, to pick the winner. The winner could be the author you enjoy reading the most; or it could mean the author who is the better writer between the two. I tried to feature authors who were similar in genres; but if I bring this feature back that may change.

2. What’s Their Best Film?

Three Directors and a list of their films; you pick the film that you think is the crowning achievement of their respective careers.

Vote, vote, vote. I can’t wait to hear from you.

THE SEMI-DAILY HORROR MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY-AUGUST 13

A little note before I begin: I know that I haven’t posted very much lately. More to the point I know that I have not posted very much of what started this blog; that being movie reviews. I have not quit. I am just going through something at this point in my life and I honestly do not know what it is. The only thing that I can think is that maybe I just want to take a little time to do other things. I’m not writing this in the hope of getting extra likes or more comments; I’m just telling you what’s going on. Stay with me; because I will be back.

From Dawn of the Dead (1978) and starring David Emge (pictured) as Stephen Andrews and David Crawford as Dr, Foster:

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THE SEMI-DAILY HORROR MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY-AUGUST 9, 2013

Classic movie, classic quote; from Night of the Living Dead and featuring Russell Streiner as Johnny:

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They’re coming to get you, Barbara!

GRAVE ENCOUNTERS 2

GRAVE ENCOUNTERS 2-Canada/United States-95 Min. 2012

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Richard Harmon as Alex Wright

Richard Harmon as Alex Wright

Sean Rogerson as Sean Rogerson (Lance Preston)

Sean Rogerson as Sean Rogerson (Lance Preston)

Leanne Lapp as Jennifer Parker

Leanne Lapp as Jennifer Parker

Dylan Playfair as Trevor Thompson

Dylan Playfair as Trevor Thompson

Stephanie Bennett as Tessa Hamill

Stephanie Bennett as Tessa Hamill

Directed by John Poliquin

Written by The Vicious Brothers

I have a question concerning Grave Encounters 2: If Grave Encounters sucked so badly as a horror film then why in the hell would you want to make a sequel? Now that I’ve asked that question allow me to ask this question: why in the hell would you make a sequel to a bad movie that, aside from the beginning 30-35 minutes of a group of  film students arguing as to the validity of the first film (film geek Alex (Richard Harmon, Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief, Trick ‘r’ Treat) thinks the first movie is real; friends Jennifer (Leanne Lapp, Snowmageddon), Trevor (Dylan Playfair) and Tessa (Stephanie Bennett, In the Dark) think he’s full of crap) is an exact copy of the previous film? I seriously considered using my review of Grave Encounters as a template to write my review of Grave Encounters 2. Don’t worry (or do), I didn’t. Grave Encounters was crap. Grave Encounters 2 is the same crap re-heated and served to a us on steaming plate of self-importance.

NO TRIVIA FOR THIS FILM

NO BLOOD DROPS

WAKE WOOD

WAKE WOOD-Ireland/United Kingdom-90 Min. 2010

Wake Wood - A4Poster

Aidan Gillen as Patrick

Aidan Gillen as Patrick

Eva Birthistle as Louise

Eva Birthistle as Louise

Timothy Spall as Arthur

Timothy Spall as Arthur

Ella Connolly as Alice

Ella Connolly as Alice

Directed by David Keating

Story by Brendan McCarthy

Screenplay by David Keating and Brendan McCarthy

Wake Wood is an engaging and somewhat quiet little horror film that straddles a thin line between The Wicker Man and Stephen King’s Pet Semetary and with a small dose of Don’t Look Now thrown in for good measure. It is a cautionary tale that teaches us that letting go and carrying on after the death of someone we love may be the most appropriate thing we can do.

Patrick (Aidan Gillen, The Dark Knight Rises, and The Wire) and Louise (Eva Birthistle, The Children, and Breakfast on Pluto) are loving parents to their young daughter, Alice (Ella Connolly). After Alice is killed in a dog attack, the two of them move to a small community known as Wake Wood. Louise works at a pharmacy and Patrick takes a job as the town veterinarian. All is not well, though; Louise wants to leave Patrick and he finally agrees to let her go. On the way out of town their car stalls and they walk to the home of the town leader, Arthur (Timothy Spall, Secrets and Lies, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire). Louis witnesses a strange ritual at the home and soon after Arthur explains to them that as long as Alice has been dead for less than a year that they can have her back for three days so that may be with her a while longer and perhaps ease the pain of her death. In that three days Alice must never wander beyond the boundaries of Wake Wood and Louise and Patrick must become permanent residents of the community to serve it whenever they are needed. As a wise person once said, ‘if it sounds too good to be true then it probably is’. That same person also said ‘careful what you wish for.’ A little white lie unravels everything and we soon realize that Alice is not the same as she was before.

I enjoyed this film. It was a welcome relief from the gore of films like Evil Dead and the CGI-laden horror films churned out of Hollywood and into theaters on a regular basis. The performances from the adult leads are rightfully understated. As for Alice, Ella Connolly makes her both spooky and creepy without making her annoying as well. The only complaint I have about Wake Wood is that I felt the ending was a bit too contrived. That’s a small complaint; I recommend Wake Wood to anyone who wants a little quiet with their horror.

NO TRIVIA

bloodbloodblood

THE BIG BAD

THE BIG BAD-United States-78 Min. 2011 

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Jessi Gotta as Frankie Ducane

Jessi Gotta as Frankie Ducane

Jessica Savage as Molly

Jessica Savage as Molly

Patrick Shearer as Carter Petch

Patrick Shearer as Carter Petch

Directed by Brian Enk

Written by Jessi Gotta

I have the Netflix movie streaming service. It costs me $7.99 per month. Let’s assume that there are 31 days in a month, and that I watch one movie per day; that averages out to roughly $.26 per movie. Why am I telling you this? I’m not so much telling you as I am telling Brian Enk, Jessi Gotta and anyone else involved with The Big Bad that since I cannot get the 78 minutes of my life back that you so mercilessly ripped from me that you could at least give me back my $.26. The Big Bad is without a doubt one of the sorriest excuses for a werewolf movie that I have ever seen in my life; and I’ve seen Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf, so I know bad werewolf movies. The Big Bad is a poorly written, miserably directed, over-acted, melodramatic piece of cinematic garbage that scrapes the bottom of the barrel and wallows in the shit that seeped underneath.

Frankie Ducane (Jessi Gotta) is looking for some guy named Fenton (Timothy McCown Reynolds). Fenton may or may not have had something to do with the death of her parents. We see Frankie living in her car, brushing her teeth, spitting in a cup and all other sorts of dramatic improvisation that establishes a character. Then we see her at a bar having a staring contest with the bartender. Nope wait, she blinked. She meets Molly (Jessica Savage), who knows something about Fenton. They share shots of booze and have the audacity to mock the wound comparison scene in Jaws. Without spoiling too much of this jumbled plot I will say that Frankie and Molly part ways and that Frankie is taken by force to see some woman named Annabelle (Alan Rowe Kelly, She Wolf Rising, Slices of Life). Hmm, you think she might know something about Fenton? After an eye for an eye confrontation and the exchange of bodily fluids Frankie escapes and continues her search for Fenton. Does she find him? I’m almost tempted to tell you just to keep you away from this craptastrophe. But wait, I did mention that this was a werewolf movie, did I not? It is; they’re around here…somewhere.

The bottom line is that there is not one single redeeming quality to The Big Bad. There are no likable characters; none that we can even remotely care about. As for those of you who may watch the movie and say that it falls into the category of ‘it’s so bad that it’s good’ I will say this: No, it does not. It’s just bad.

Oh, and as for the $.26 cents the filmmakers owe me they should count themselves lucky. I almost bought this at Walmart for $9.96. That means I saved you $9.70; which means that you can make another piece of garbage like The Big Bad. I can imagine that you will have change left over.

NO TRIVIA FOR THIS FILM

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NO WONDER THE MONSTERS ARE CHASING YOU: FINE EXAMPLES OF CLEAVAGE IN HORROR MOVIES-A PICTORIAL

Before I begin I would like to say one thing and that is yes I am very aware that this is sexist as hell. I would also like to add that I am just having a little bit of fun. My special thanks goes to Brian at Hard Ticket to Home Video for the idea and for not following through on it himself.

I searched long and hard for these photos, but I’m sure I left a few favorites out. Let me know who needs to be here as well as the movie in which they showed off their *ahem* goods and I will update this page. I will need the name of the actress and the movie they appeared in. No nudity, please.

NO WONDER THE MONSTERS ARE CHASING YOU: FINE EXAMPLES OF CLEAVAGE IN HORROR MOVIES-A PICTORIAL 

Kelly Brook in Piranha

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Rose McGowan in Planet Terror

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Elvira Mistress of the Dark

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Jennifer Tilly in Bride of Chucky and Seed of Chucky

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Salma Hayek in From Dusk Till Dawn

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Monica Belluci in Les pacte des loups aka Brotherhood of the Wolf

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Madelaine and Mary Collinson in Twins of Evil

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Ingrid Pitt in Countess Dracula

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Elena Anaya in Van Helsing

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Linda Blair in Hell Night

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Jennifer Lawrence in House at the End of the Street

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Jennifer Love Hewitt in I Still Know What You Did Last Summer 

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Teri Garr in Young Frankenstein 

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Amber Heard in All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

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THE SEMI-DAILY HORROR MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY-APRIL 17, 2013

Not necessarily a horror movie; but the quote is too sinister to pass up.

From MARATHON MAN and featuring Sir Laurence Olivier as Christian Szell and Dustin Hoffman as Thomas “Babe” Levy:

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