The Vern’s Video Vortex has bestowed upon me the honor of the Sunshine Blogger Award. Now, happy as I am to be a recipient, I always have mixed feelings about answering the 11 questions that they choose for me; which are:

Name an older movie you would like to see remade.

None. Stop remaking movies you unoriginal twerps!

Name a movie that should never be remade, ever.

The Godfather, hands down. If I ever hear of it happening I’m going to making somebody an offer they can’t refuse.

Who was your first celebrity crush?

I believe the honor would fall to Miss Fuzzy Britches herself, Raquel Welch.

Marry/Fuck/Kill (Gilbert Gottfried, Emo Phillips ,Donald Duck)

I’d marry Emo Phillips for his jokes, kill Gilbert Gottfried as soon as he even thinks about opening his mouth and since Donald Duck is already sans pants then he better get ready to make some quacking sounds; although I would probably get a surrogate duckbanger.

What was the first movie you watched with your parents  that had a sex scene. How did you react?

The only movies I ever watched with my parents and only with my mom as my dad was always too busy. We only watched the old Universal Horror and Johnny Weissmuller Tarzan movies together and there was not a sex scene to be found in them. Well, there was that one time that Boy and Cheetah…no, no, NO! Block it from your mind!!

This is for both girls and guys.  What do you like more in physical appearances?  Chest, butt or legs.

Do you mean what do I like most in both? I’m a guy with no interest in other guys so…none of the above. As for girls I choose…all of the above!

Name a band or artist you would gladly pay $500 to see live.

Tom Waits.

Marry/Fuck/Kill:  Amy (Gone Girl), Ava (Ex-Machina), Harley Quinn (Suicide Squad)

I never saw Gone Girl or Ex Machina but I did see Suicide Squad and loved Margot Robbie as Harley and I do remember her being deliciously naked in The Wolf of Wall Street, So, she would get the first two prizes. I couldn’t kill her, though. Sorry.

Do you really want a 2nd season of Stranger Things and if so, why?

I have yet to see the first season of Stranger Things.

Name a scene from a movie that makes you cry.

John Coffey’s execution in the The Green Mile is the first to come to mind.

Name a scene from a movie that turns you on.

I can’t think of any one scene that turns me on; there are way too many and not all of them are sexual. If I think of one I’ll discuss it in the comments.

Then after I am done with all that I have to choose 11 bloggers to bestow the Sunshine Blogger Award upon. I always felt like this was like inviting a thousand of your closest friends to your birthday party but only 11 get cake. Well, screw that! If there is any blogger out there who honestly believes that they deserve the Sunshine Blogger Award ( and I honestly believe that all of you do) then copy and paste the image above onto to your site and go for it!

Then I have to choose 11 questions of my own to ask. Hmm. I have a different approach to this one, also.

Which of these 11 (out of many) Written in Blood Scream Queens of the Month would you like to be trapped in a haunted house with?

Cerina Vincent


Sophie Monk


Anya Taylor-Joy

Anya Taylor-Joy

Alicia Witt


Apryl Crowell


Jenna Jameson

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Katrina Bowden


Sarah French

Photo by Cory Willaby

Photo by Cory Willaby

Jennifer Blanc-Biehn


Sophia Myles

Sophia Myles 1

or Gillian Anderson


Thank you for this award. It means a lot to me to be noticed.

By the way while we are the subject of awards I received a notification of my 500th follower to Written in Blood a couple of weeks ago. I’m proud of this even though I never got around to saying anything about it until now. Thank you to all of you who have chosen to follow Written in Blood throughout the years.












The dust has settled, the lights have come up, 2015 is coming to a close and a Written in Blood Scream Queen of the Year has been chosen. Her name is Apryl Crowell and to say that she won by a landslide would a be a gross understatement. Apryl had a whopping 53 votes to take the lead and the title while Chloë Grace-Moretz and Katrina Bowden tied for second place with 7 votes. Lisa Marie took third place with 6 votes while Ali Larter, Sarah French and Kacey Rohl came in fourth with 4 votes apiece. Christa Campbell came in fifth with 2 votes and Sophia Myles, Jennifer Blanc-Biehn, Jenna Jameson and Danielle Panabaker came in dead last having failed to nab a single vote.


So what does the Written in Blood Scream Queen of the Year win? Well, I would say that she wins a date with yours truly but I am a happily married man and I love my wife and my life in that interchangeable order. No, the Written in Blood Scream Queen of the Year wins a full year of Bragging Rights. Apryl is free and clear to post, tweet, e-mail, airmail, voicemail, smoke signals, Morse code, Pony Express; whatever or however she wants to get the word out to her friends and fans that she is indeed the 2015 Written in Blood Scream Queen of the Year!





Is it time for another Scream Queen of the Year already? It seems like it was yesterday when we crowned the beautiful and talented Gillian Anderson as our inaugural choice.

Here are all of this year’s Scream Queens listed from January to December for you to respectfully look over once more. When you are ready to cast your vote there is a poll at the bottom for you to do just that.

The choice is all yours. Who will it be?


Sophia Myles 1






Photo by Cory Willaby

Photo by Cory Willaby










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I have a confession to make: I let the month of August slip right past me and the month of September sneak up on me with nothing whatsoever prepared in the way of a Scream Queen of the Month. So, I thought to myself, “I need a quickie to put out for the month.” Then I thought, “I’ve thought about doing Jenna Jameson as a choice but when would be the best month to do her?” Well, since September appears to be open why not then?  Trust me, this will be quick.

Jenna Jameson was born Jennifer Marie Masoli on April 9, 1974 in Las Vegas, Nevada. Her genre credits include Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain (2003), Zombie Strippers (2008) and Horrorween (2011). Non-genre credits include Private Parts (1997). She’s made guest TV appearances on Nash Bridges (2000),  Mister Sterling (2003), Family Guy (2001) and Sons of Anarchy (2014).

I told you this would be quick. I feel like there’s something else I should tell you about Jenna Jameson but I just can’t put a finger on what it is. Anyway, let’s welcome Jenna Jameson as the September, 2015 Written in Blood Scream Queen of the Month!


Her father Larry Massoli is a retired police officer. Her late mother Judith Brooke Massoli (née Hunt) was a showgirl. Both worked in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Her mother was diagnosed with melanoma and died shortly afterwards on February 20, 1976. Before her illness, she had been a showgirl at the Tropicana and the Folies Bergère in Las Vegas.

Her paternal grandfather was of Italian descent.

Graduated from Bonanza High School in Las Vegas, Nevada in 1992.


“I kept getting a weird vibe from her. I knew what it meant, because I’d experienced it so many times before, but I kept dismissing it. It couldn’t be true; she was Cindy Crawford. When I turned my back… Cindy reached over and rubbed the back of my neck. “Ooh”, she cooed. “Look at your beautiful tattoo.” She touched my neck so softly and sensually.”




Note: I couldn’t find a decent larger-sized photo from Strippers vs. Werewolves to save my life. However, I do believe the photographs that I found of the cast, in particular the female cast members, will serve as suitable replacements. This has been a public service announcement. Thank you.

Adele Silva as Justice. Of course there's a stripper named Justice.

Adele Silva as Justice. Of course there’s a stripper named Justice.

Ali Bastian as Dani. I bet the writers took a poll of the most popular stripper names. Strippers, poll; get it?

Ali Bastian as Dani. I bet the writers took a poll of the most popular stripper names. Strippers, poll; get it?

Barbara Nedeljakova as Raven. Seriously, her parents named her Raven. They're so proud.

Barbara Nedeljakova as Raven. Seriously, her parents named her Raven. They’re so proud.

Lucy Pinder as Carmilla. Okay, Carmilla is a cool stripper name. Nothing smart-ass to say here so let's move it along, folks.

Lucy Pinder as Carmilla. Okay, Carmilla is a cool stripper name. Nothing smart-ass to say here so let’s move it along, folks. Oh wait, I’m sorry; she doesn’t play a stripper. Never mind.

Steven Berkoff as Flett. Flett? Really?

Steven Berkoff as Flett. Flett? Really?

Robert Englund as Tapper. Tapper? What, "Freddy Krueger" was taken?

Robert Englund as Tapper. Tapper? What, “Freddy Krueger” was taken?

Directed by Jonathan Glendening

Screenplay by William Barron and Pat Higgins

What is it with strippers and supernatural creatures? First, there was Zombie Strippers (2008) which showed us that Jenna Jameson’s talent goes no further than taking her clothes off. Then there came Zombies vs. Strippers (2012). How original; just take the word “Zombie” and the word “Stripper” and flip it around and add a ‘vs.” in between the two. I didn’t see this one and something tells me I don’t want to. Let’s also not forget Zombies Zombies Zombies: Strippers vs. Zombies (2008). Anyway, we now come to Strippers vs. Werewolves; which may be my last post unless I can talk my wife into writing my posts based on my dictation. The reason being is that I may dig out my eyes with a spoon after seeing this debacle.

Let’s start with the plot. A stripper, Justice (Adele Silva, Doghouse) accidentally kills a guy who turns into a werewolf while she’s giving him a private dance. Her boss, Jeanette (Sarah DouglasSuperman II), seems to know a lot more about werewolves than the owner of a strip joint should know and tells her they have to get rid of the body before it’s too late and they’re all dead. It’s always too late in this type of film and pretty soon we have a battle going on between the strippers and the werewolves. That’s the plot. I heard the writer of The Kings Speech lost sleep over wishing that he had written Strippers vs. Werewolves.

Let’s cut this short. I shouldn’t have to waste a post on this poorly directed, horribly written, badly acted and laughably edited piece of garbage. Robert Englund (The Mangler), Steven Berkoff (Beverly Hills Cop), Barbara Nedeljakova (Hostel) and Sarah Douglas are wasted in this dung pile. Don’t even get me started on the werewolves. Basically the make-up guy called the gofer over and handed him fifty dollars and said. “Alright Skippy, what I want you to do is I want you to run down to the Spirit Store and get some of them fake werewolf ears and some of them fake werewolf hands and I want you to bring ’em back here, alright? Make sure and get yourself something with the forty dollars you’ll have left over.” Strippers vs. Werewolves is the result of someone who took too many drugs and watched too much horror and porno movies. The result is a wet dream that tries to bite off its own leg in order to wake up from itself. Now, would someone please wake me up and tell me that it was all a horrible dream?


Robert Englund’s character is incarcerated in HM Chaney Prison – a nod to original Wolfman star Lon Chaney Jr.

There’s an homage to An American Werewolf in London when a dart playing lycanthrope grumbles “you made me miss”.

Took a total of £38.00 at the (UK) box office when first released.



CANDY STRIPERSUnited States-2006

Deanna Brooks as Janine, Serria Tawan as Laurie and if any one knows who the blond on the right is please let me know as I can’t figure it out. Thank you very much.

Brian Lloyd as Matt

William Edwards, Jr. as Joey

Directed by Kate Robbins

Written by Kate Robbins and Jill Garson

I watched “Candy Stripers” at the suggestion of a friend who informed me that he was a stuntman in the film and that he had some considerable face time. Trust me, he does. If you watch the film you’ll see him as the guy that gets his arm broken before being unceremoniously tossed across the room by one of the alien nurses. I must admit I teared up a bit during that scene. Well, not really.

“Candy Stripers” is bad movie making at its best; or worst, depending on how you look at it. It goes beyond reviewing. So I thought I would share a couple of observations I wrote down while watching the film. Check it out:

1. In an early scene a girl dials 911 and before the phone even rings she shouts out “Ohmygodthere’sbeenanaccident.” This would indicate that she got an immediate answer. I have called 911 on a few occasions and have never gotten an immediate response. What was her secret? Does 911 have this girl on speed answer?

2. I work with nurses. They work long shifts and are on their feet constantly. Therefore they are not about to wear shoes that are of the type that Jenna Jameson or Tera Patrick would consider fashionable. It’s just not going to happen.

3. Telling a gorgeous nurse “Kiss me. I’m about to die” will not actually get you a kiss. If it did I would have tried it years ago.

4. The alien possessed nurses eat a ton of doughnuts, candy and sugar packets to sustain them. At the hospital where I work there is always candy of some kind near the nurse’s stations. Should I be worried?

5. Doctors do not spend their time seducing nurses and drinking Schnapps.

And finally…

6. If you do an image search for photos from “Candy Stripers” I must warn you that there was also a porno film with that same title. You may want to adjust your filter. But then again, maybe not.

If you like hot girls, nudity and ludicrous storytelling then Candy Stripers is the cure for what ails you. Otherwise, take two aspirin and stay at home.

Thank you.




ZOMBIE STRIPPERSUnited States-94 Mins. 2008

Jenna Jameson as Kat

Roxy Saint as Lilith

Robert Englund as Ian

Written and Directed by Jay Lee

You know how you can tell that you’re a true, bona fide hardcore horror fan? It’s deceptively easy, really. It’s Friday night; you’re bored, you got no girlfriend (maybe because you live in your parent’s basement) and you’ve got nothing to do. So, you get a bright idea. You think “Hey! I’m going to go to the video store!” So you go, and you’re looking through the horror film section and all of a sudden you come upon a film with the most enticing of titles: ZOMBIE STRIPPERS. You grab it from off the shelf and you draw in a deep breath and you say, out loud, “ALL RIGHT!!! ZOMBIES!!! Then you look even further and you see that it stars JENNA JAMESON and ROBERT ENGLUND. Well, Katy bars the door because you have just become about as happy as Rosie O’Donnell at a discount carpet store. This movie has got ROBERT FREAKIN’ ENGLUND in it. Oh wait, what’s it about? You look at the back of the cover…military…experiment gone wrong…strippers turning into zombies…yada yada yada…Jenna Jameson. Yes, oh yes, Jenna Jameson plays a stripper in this movie. Ladies and gentleman, the award for biggest acting stretch goes to…oh, who gives a shit about Jenna Jameson? You can see her munching on all sorts of body parts if you do the right Google search. Incidentally, have you got a good look at her lately? I can assure you that they didn’t have to use much makeup to turn her into a zombie. But may I remind you once again that this movie has got ROBERT FREAKIN’ ENGLUND in it!! You put it under your hairy little arm, walk to the counter, slap down your rental card and your cash and bing, boom, bam you are out the door and on your way home to watch Zombies and that guy that played Freddy Krueger. What was his name again? Let me think…oh yeah, ROBERT FREAKIN’ ENGLUND!

By the way, for those of you who aren’t bona fide hardcore horror fans; this movie has strippers in it. Jenna Jameson is in it, too. She gets naked. Yeah.


The story is allegedly inspired by Eugène Ionesco‘s allegorical play “Rhinoceros”, in which citizens of a small French village inexplicably turn into the titular animals one by one. As a nod to this literary source, Robert Englund’s character is named “Ian Essko”.

LA-based recording artist Roxy Saint, who plays Lillith in the movie, also provides several of the songs on the film’s soundtrack, including Don’t Kill The Star, Bad Guy, and most noticeably Smother You, which is used both during Jenna Jameson/Kat’s first post-death strip scene, and over the end credits of the movie.
The name of the strip club is “Rhino’s” both a pun on the real life “Spearmint Rhino” and the book “Rhinocerous”.