The Vern’s Video Vortex has bestowed upon me the honor of the Sunshine Blogger Award. Now, happy as I am to be a recipient, I always have mixed feelings about answering the 11 questions that they choose for me; which are:

Name an older movie you would like to see remade.

None. Stop remaking movies you unoriginal twerps!

Name a movie that should never be remade, ever.

The Godfather, hands down. If I ever hear of it happening I’m going to making somebody an offer they can’t refuse.

Who was your first celebrity crush?

I believe the honor would fall to Miss Fuzzy Britches herself, Raquel Welch.

Marry/Fuck/Kill (Gilbert Gottfried, Emo Phillips ,Donald Duck)

I’d marry Emo Phillips for his jokes, kill Gilbert Gottfried as soon as he even thinks about opening his mouth and since Donald Duck is already sans pants then he better get ready to make some quacking sounds; although I would probably get a surrogate duckbanger.

What was the first movie you watched with your parents  that had a sex scene. How did you react?

The only movies I ever watched with my parents and only with my mom as my dad was always too busy. We only watched the old Universal Horror and Johnny Weissmuller Tarzan movies together and there was not a sex scene to be found in them. Well, there was that one time that Boy and Cheetah…no, no, NO! Block it from your mind!!

This is for both girls and guys.  What do you like more in physical appearances?  Chest, butt or legs.

Do you mean what do I like most in both? I’m a guy with no interest in other guys so…none of the above. As for girls I choose…all of the above!

Name a band or artist you would gladly pay $500 to see live.

Tom Waits.

Marry/Fuck/Kill:  Amy (Gone Girl), Ava (Ex-Machina), Harley Quinn (Suicide Squad)

I never saw Gone Girl or Ex Machina but I did see Suicide Squad and loved Margot Robbie as Harley and I do remember her being deliciously naked in The Wolf of Wall Street, So, she would get the first two prizes. I couldn’t kill her, though. Sorry.

Do you really want a 2nd season of Stranger Things and if so, why?

I have yet to see the first season of Stranger Things.

Name a scene from a movie that makes you cry.

John Coffey’s execution in the The Green Mile is the first to come to mind.

Name a scene from a movie that turns you on.

I can’t think of any one scene that turns me on; there are way too many and not all of them are sexual. If I think of one I’ll discuss it in the comments.

Then after I am done with all that I have to choose 11 bloggers to bestow the Sunshine Blogger Award upon. I always felt like this was like inviting a thousand of your closest friends to your birthday party but only 11 get cake. Well, screw that! If there is any blogger out there who honestly believes that they deserve the Sunshine Blogger Award ( and I honestly believe that all of you do) then copy and paste the image above onto to your site and go for it!

Then I have to choose 11 questions of my own to ask. Hmm. I have a different approach to this one, also.

Which of these 11 (out of many) Written in Blood Scream Queens of the Month would you like to be trapped in a haunted house with?

Cerina Vincent


Sophie Monk


Anya Taylor-Joy

Anya Taylor-Joy

Alicia Witt


Apryl Crowell


Jenna Jameson

tumblr_m35rte02ir1r1zkrlo1_1280 (1)

Katrina Bowden


Sarah French

Photo by Cory Willaby

Photo by Cory Willaby

Jennifer Blanc-Biehn


Sophia Myles

Sophia Myles 1

or Gillian Anderson


Thank you for this award. It means a lot to me to be noticed.

By the way while we are the subject of awards I received a notification of my 500th follower to Written in Blood a couple of weeks ago. I’m proud of this even though I never got around to saying anything about it until now. Thank you to all of you who have chosen to follow Written in Blood throughout the years.









TARZAN THE APE MAN aka The Worst Movie Ever Made

TARZAN THE APE MAN aka The Worst Movie Ever Made-United States-1981


 Directed by John Derek Screenplay by Tom Rowe Really loosely based on characters created by Edgar Rice Burroughs 

Do not even remotely expect this to be a serious review. First of all there is no way anybody in their right mind could review this film with any degree of serious. Secondly, I watched this film many years ago and remember it well enough to know that it sucked worse than Jenna Jameson with braces. If I were to watch this movie again I would have to pour bleach in my eyes and Formula 409 in my ears. How bad is this movie, you ask? I’ve come up with a few ‘facts’ to illustrate exactlly that. 

1. Do you remember the scene in Fight Club where Tyler Durden and his henchmen are de-magnetizing the tapes in the video store? Now here’s the rest of the story. Tyler and the gang had just watched Tarzan the Apeman. They wanted to make sure that no one would ever have to suffer the way that they suffered ever again. 

2. All the animals that were in the film have dis-associated themselves from the film. At the San Diego Zoo a man was horribly mauled when he insisted that one of the lions was in the movie. He just wouldn’t let it go. 

3. The movie is so bad that Playboy ran a pictorial showcasing all of Bo Dereks nude scenes. Buy the issue and you’ve seen all the good parts. Oh and don’t even get me started on the dialogue. If I recall there was a scene in the film where Jane says to Tarzan, “Are you a virgin?” I think Tarzan replied with something like “Awwww, shucks no. Tarzan has made love to all the chimpanzees in the jung—-oh you mean have Tarzan ever done it with a woman? (Sighs) No. Dammit.” 

It’s that damn bad, folks. 

Now, before I list some TRIVIA for the film I thought I would have a little contest. Nothing fancy, mind you. I can’t afford to give away cool prizes. But I can give away a “Way to go!” I am going to list four pieces of trivia for the film. All but one of them is factual. The first person to tell me which piece of trivia is false gets a “Way to go!” TRIVIA 

Lee Canalito, originally cast as Tarzan, was replaced by Miles O’Keeffeat the last minute. Reportedly, this was because producer Bo Derek allegedly thought that Canalito was not in the right physical shape.

Meryl Streep was turned down for the role of Jane. According to reports, director John Derek told her to ‘come back when she’d had some acting lessons.’
Reportedly, producer Bo Derek allegedly fired or sent home fifteen of the twenty-three crew from the Sri Lankan shoot of this picture. The number of sackings on this movie apparently became notorious in Hollywood.
This is the only major Hollywood studio production where Bo Derek receives top billing